I’m out of sync. I’m muddled up.
My head is screwed on. I know you’ll never leave her and I would never ask you to. I know what we are. I know our limitations. I’ve never been under any impression that you would want any more than this with me.
But my heart is beating to a different tune. Despite me telling it that it’s being stupid, it’s always clinging to a tiny chink of hope that maybe this time will be different, maybe this time you’ll realise that you love me properly. Maybe this time will change your mind. Maybe if I just align myself that little bit more, do everything you want me to do, say the right things, then there will come a day where I’m not moving mountains to get to see you, or crying on trains when I have to leave you.
I find it hard to believe that you don’t notice. That you don’t realise. Either you’re blind, or you choose to ignore it because you don’t want to have to quit me.
This is destroying me. You are destroying me. But then you kiss me and touch me and for a little while it’s worth it.