The climb was so fast that I look back on it now, wondering if it was a sign for where we are today. Those feeling that came out of nowhere, that drive for a connection growing and becoming more and more intense with each passing day. The shift from magnetic attraction to actual care for each other happened faster than we’d ever experienced with anyone else before. We were both so sure this was “meant to be”.
Building into what we thought would be that one day to answer all those unasked questions.
The day that never happened.
I don’t want to say it was your ‘fault’, more an alignment of circumstances that couldn’t have come at a worse time. It knocked us both down, for somewhat separate reasons. You thought it would end right there, but I ‘forgave’ you and that fast climb started again albeit with a level of appropriate distraction. We both still thought that this climb was the path meant for us. We both still cared. We both still felt that longing.
I even said those words I still wonder if I should have left screaming in the back of my mind.
Then it was my turn to let you down and since then I feel like we have started descending.
I now feel like I’m scrambling to grab hold of you, crashing just as fast as we climbed. My connection with you disappearing before my eyes. Your words grow fewer and far between. I feel like I need to explain and apologize and plead and yes even beg for you to just open up for a moment so I can see if we are indeed on this descent or if it’s just another valley on this journey we’ve set ourselves on.
I’m afraid of heights – because of the fear of falling.