She never touches me.
Beneath this stoic exterior beats a passionate heart and an inferno of unexpressed and unquenched desire. A painful knot of self doubt. A very masculine lack of confidence, whittled away down the years.
A glimpse of a pretty girl and my imagination takes hold, flared nostrils, a quickening of breath, a runaway imagination – and then shame at feeling such need and want at nothing more than the sight of a total stranger.
Shame again at resorting to pornography, to erotica, to memories of lovers long gone, hidden in the mists of my youth, idealised by nostalgia. Hands sticky with tears and cum when I can bear it no longer and succumb to temptation, for even a minute’s relief from the gnawing want that twists in my gut.
I want…
Ripped clothing in desperate passion.
The fleshy ‘snap’ of a nipple escaping my teeth.
The heady scent of a woman’s sweat.
The electric-battery zing of the taste of a woman’s cunt.
I want to lick the tears from a cheek.
I want to hear the smack of flesh on flesh and breathy groans.
I want to mark a woman’s body as mine with runes of cum, scratches and bites.
I want a doll in my chains, reddened, squirming, calling out desire.
I want a lioness to draw the blood from my back with her nails.
I want to make a woman cum and cum and cum until she faints.
I want to see a woman’s spit and lipstick glisten on my cock.
I want to lose myself and be lost, to fill a willing, eager body with flesh and life.
I need. To be needed.
I cannot stray. I am loyal. Always and forever.
But I am lonely for the merest, slightest touch, the dark-eyed, lip-bitten gaze of attraction and it hurts more than I can stand to feel no touch but my own.
I’m torn – I deeply sympathise with you, and I understand the hunger and pain and lust when you’re with someone who doesn’t seem to want the same things you do. With past partners I’ve lain awake at night, trembling and twitching and, yes, sometimes *crying* with an intense sense of need. At one point in the past I had a boy who – despite being deliciously filthy when he wanted to be – broke my heart with repeated refusals to touch me, and the knowledge that his sex drive was just much lower than mine.
On the other hand, I can sympathise a bit with your partner. When you describe your lust, it’s directed at an anonymous ‘woman’ or ‘women’. If I were her, this would crack my heart a bit too. I wouldn’t want you to need just sex, or touching, or to desire a lioness – I’d want you to desire *me*.
There are 10,000 reasons why the fire can dim in a marriage, and sometimes there are things we can do to keep the fires burning, and sometimes there aren’t. And sometimes we only see our options clearly in retrospect. None of which helps you a whit or a jot, my friend, and I’m sorry for that.
You say that you will not stray – is that for your sake, or for hers? She might find it a relief if you were to turn elsewhere with your passions.
But this is your life, your path to find, not mine. I wish you well with it.
BELOW IS A MESSAGE I HAVE RECEIVED THROUGH THE ANONYMOUS SUBMISSION PAGE ASKING ME TO POST IT HERE IN REPLY TO THE ABOVE POST AND PEOPLES COMMENTS.
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The empathy people have shown has reduced me to having to hide in the work toilets for a silent little cry and to compose myself.
One can only be rebuffed so many times before one starts to protect oneself. If my lust is directed at, or as, an abstract need then it cannot be refused or rebuffed and I cannot be hurt by that rejection and every excuse or rejection from her makes it more and more difficult to try again.
Yes, we have been married a long time and my father, his father and his father again were all notorious womanisers who caused all manner of familial chaos and heartbreak – as have my two brothers. It simply isn’t in me to do the same to anyone myself, especially for what feels like such selfish reasons as my own sexual need.
But this gave me an outlet, catharsis and perspective, judged only on what I said. That’s worth a lot.
I won’t say any more.
This breaks my heart.
To the original poster (OP), you deserve all of the things you crave. You really do.
Resorting to porn or fantasies is NOT something to be ashamed of. It’s perfectly normal, even in relationships that are ripe with passion and sex. Your desire is a fundamental part of who you are. No shame in that whatsoever.
I can’t offer advice about what to do with your wife because there isn’t enough information to go on, but I do think some tough conversations need to be had about your needs and how much you feel like you’re drowning. If she cannot meet your needs, you may need to explore some alternatives.
But don’t feel shame for feeling the passion and desire that you do. Don’t feel shame for using porn as an outlet. That is perfectly healthy and acceptable.
Good luck to you.
My first marriage became a “no touch” one from her side. I don’t blame her. She was raped as a teenager and was never able to summon up the courage (and everything else rape victims go through) to face it and get help. It slowly ate away at her, and she gradually withdrew from me emotionally.
I ached for a partner with as much passion, empathy, need, kink as me. When I first started to think about leaving, two things held me back. One was inertia cause by fear of change. The other was guilt. It wasn’t her fault in many ways. It’s easy to say she should have gone to the police/counselling/doctor for help, but the reality is that many victims of sexual assault/abuse/rape are never able to deal with it in any way. This is where m guilt came from.
Eventually, I realised I could no longer stay in a loveless marriage and got the hell out.
Best thing I ever did.