Often, I think I can get by without love. I don’t really know what it’s like, so I don’t really know what I’m missing. I keep hearing about it, and it sounds wonderful. But really, to me, it’s the stuff of myth.  And anyway, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I tripped over it.

Sometimes I think I can live without sex. I’ve taken more driving tests than I have had sexual encounters, and I’ve forgotten nearly everything about both. And as unsatisfying as it can be, masturbation can take the edge off the yearning, the craving. The lust. It’s manageable, if not sufficient.

But sometimes I feel like falling to my knees and begging for someone to just touch me. To hold me. I feel like howling just thinking about it. I feel so desperate, I almost feel sick (I have had to stop to cry while writing this paragraph). Again, I don’t really know anything else. The memories of other people’s skin against my own are little more than ghosts. Yet maybe this is the hardest thing to live with. I really don’t know how I will get through the next few decades (years?) without it – short of praying to a god I don’t believe in for a numbness I don’t dare expect will come.

3 thoughts on “Touch

  • I went through something similar when I was younger. I felt isolated and not fully human. It’s hard to find someone to hold you when you feel that way.

    I don’t have a quick fix answer but just keep being you and try and meet more people. The more you meet the more likely to find someone who “gets” you.

    A hobby is a good way to start to meet people, you’ll all share the common interest so will have at least something to talk about.


  • that is just heartbreaking. We all desire to be human and loved for that and who we are. This is a reminder that even when we feel loved and cherished there are others that are still feeling cold and alone.

  • This really hits home with me, I have so far been 4 years without that kind of touch and I ache for it. Not for a one night stand, not for a fuck buddy even, but for someone who really knows me, who really cares to just touch me.
    I guess what I’m saying is that you’re not alone *hug*

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