You know what, it doesn’t matter what you think you are doing. If I feel bullied and harassed by your actions then as far as I am concerned you are bullying me. If I am brave enough to get in touch with you and explain to you how I feel and you say “No I’m not” and carry on then you have to accept some responsibility for what happens next.
I am suffering from severe depression, I’m a single mum with 4 children and a not regular job that barely pays me enough to cover the bills. Some weeks I don’t eat anything apart from the leftovers from my kids plates because there just isn’t enough money to feed us all.
Yes, I made mistakes in the past. Massive great big huge stonking mistakes that ruined my life and the lives of others. I am so sorry for these mistakes, if I could rewind I would do it all differently and none of us would be in this position.
But I can’t rewind history. I can’t change what I have done. I can’t change the way I reacted to events and I can’t change where any of us are now.
Please leave me alone. Please understand that I am vulnerable right now. I have problems in my life that are nothing to do with any of you. I am in a bad place. There are days when I truly believe that the world would be a better place without me. That my kids would be better off without their mum. This would solve all of my problems and stop me doing any more damage.
On these days you’re there. Emails, blog posts, tweets, phone calls, text messages, letters through my door. Please go away. Do you want me to kill myself? Is that how this ends?
I try so hard to ignore you but you are everywhere. You are more than 1 person. You impact every part of my life. I try to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to you but it gets harder each and every day.
You are bullying me. You are a bully. And a coward. Your constant harassment of me is nothing short of childish and pathetic. You are grown women. With children of your own. Would you want someone to treat your child this way? God forbid any one of your children ever makes a mistake, because if this is how you treat people then they will live to regret it for the rest of their life.
You don’t actually know me. You’ve probably never even met me. You could walk past me in the street and not know me. Please stop judging me for mistakes in my past, everyone deserves the right to live their life without fear of harassment and bullying.
If you were saying to me “we want you to do this” then that would be different. But there is nothing I can do to make you happy. Nothing I can do to make you go away. I’ve tried fighting back. I’ve tried ignoring you. I’ve tried putting my side of the story forward but nothing works.
I’m tired of this. I’m tired of hating myself and hating you for what you’re doing to me. I deserve the chance to live my life without fear of looking at my phone, computer, or opening my post. I have told you how I feel, I have told you that I am scared and vulnerable and feel bullied by you. Whether or not you think that what you are doing is correct or not please think about how I feel. Please consider that you are pushing me dangerously close to somewhere that I am scared to be. I don’t want to feel like this but I want to have the power and control to make you stop. Sometimes it feels like there is only one way to do that.
I’m not there yet but I have days when I am close. I am sensible, I speak to my doctor regularly and I speak to friends and family every day about where I am and how you make me feel.
I hope I can survive this. I hope that eventually you realise that this is no way to live your life and go away. Take the energy you invest into hating me and turn it around, do something good with it.
I can’t change the past. You are a bully. Please leave me alone. I am scared, and vulnerable and trying to hold my life together for the sake of my kids.