I Want A Divorce.

I will never be who you want me to be.

I love you.  How can I not love you?  You are the father of my children.  You have sat beside my hospital bed countless times.  Your parents are my parents.  How could I not?

But I am not in love with you any more.  Not now.  Not after countless hours waiting and wondering.  Not after slowly dying inside asking myself, “is this it?  We’re married, and I’m left once again to my own devices?  I’m on my own?”  Do you remember the times I came to you?  Do you recall the times I nagged you?  Begging for you to notice me?  Then finally sinking back into myself and deciding that yes, that was all there was.  And that was about the time you decided that I was cheating on you.  I didn’t know that then.  But I know it now.  You would occasionally ask for sex, when you weren’t busy with work, or busy with your friends.  But going places?  Doing things together?  Off the table.

You have no idea how I felt at that time.  How ugly and unwanted I felt.  If my own husband didn’t pay attention to me, would attempt to share things with me, wouldn’t make me feel special…who would?  And I’m going to attempt to seduce another man, with that mindset?  It’s almost laughable.

Fast forward a few years.  The kids are in school.  I am alone during the week.  And you ask me, “what did you do all day?”.  “Played on the Internet.”  “Well, as long as you’re not seeing anyone else.”  Would you believe that I had never once considered having an affair…until that moment?

It made me feel unstoppable to be flirted with so outrageously.  To be pursued.  To be valued.  To be sought out.  To have a man fuck me so intensely.  My pleasure was his focus.

But then you found out.  You knew, somehow, but hung in there.  Then you came home one day and saw me ready to leave.  You knew where I was going.  Then the tears.  The hushed questions.  You asked me, “do you want me to leave?  Do you still love me?”

Those weren’t the right questions.  If you had asked, “are you in love with me?  Do you think our marriage will ever be good again for either one of us?”, I could have told you.  But it’s too late for that.  It doesn’t matter anyway.  We can’t afford to divorce, can we?  And neither of us wants a broken home for the kids.

And neither of us wants to be alone.

So here we are, in an “open marriage”.  Swapping partners.  Going to BDSM clubs.  And you’re shopping for a flogger and asking advice from Doms on how to become one.  Trying so hard to become someone you aren’t.  For me.  And it is making me sick inside.  What am I doing to you?  When all the time I am with you I wish you were someone else?  We should never have been married.  I know that now.

Don’t you fucking judge me, reader.  Don’t you dare.  You cannot possibly say anything to me that I have not said to myself, so don’t waste your time.  “If you’re not happy, you should separate”, says the Greek chorus from the sidelines.  Fuck off.  Live inside my head for a day, THEN we talk.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

13 thoughts on “I Want A Divorce.

  • I am so sorry. Good luck. I have been exactly where you are. It took a long time and a 5 state away offer for me to finally say enough. I hope you find away to make it livable if you can’t let yourself leave.

  • I feel your pain. I do. Because it’s never that simple. Simple is for people on the outside looking in, for people whose position affords them the luxury of seeing things in black and white. On the inside there is no black, and there is no white, just a million shades of grey that never quite mix together to form the shade you want them to.

  • *hugs* You are very strong and it is good to let this out and share this. I hope you will find your way and keep your strength during this.

  • I understand, you do what you have to, in the end you will do what you must – no judgement from me only love, hugs and understanding xx

  • I could have written this post. Our situations are stunningly similar. I am in a limbo much like yours. I’ve thought about asking for an open marriage. I’ve thought about how long can I get by with the unhappiness “for the sake of the kids.” I hope you can take some comfort, small comfort though it may be, in knowing that you are not alone. Thanks for putting words to such a difficult subject.

  • I was where you are and luckily no kids to take into account but that was a near thing. I allowed it to go on until my partner looked at me like I was something that had crawled from below a stone.

    I hope so very much tha you get out before then, our kids will sense the ‘wrong’ be happy parents for them apart.

    Please think of yourself too, life is too short!


  • “Don’t you fucking judge me, reader. Don’t you dare. You cannot possibly say anything to me that I have not said to myself, so don’t waste your time. “If you’re not happy, you should separate”, says the Greek chorus from the sidelines. Fuck off. Live inside my head for a day, THEN we talk.”

    I don’t understand this. You clearly know the answer to your problems. Since you want to write a plea for help and then refuse to listen to advice/guidance, perhaps you should instead spend some time trying to figure out what is stopping you from fixing these problems in your life. I’m sure what’s in your head is similar to what’s gone on in the heads of many others with similar experiences.

    My philosophy is that life is too short to be unhappy. If you’re unhappy, only you have the power to find happiness. Don’t delay the inevitable – whether that means divorcing or finding some other solution. Face your problems, don’t run from them. They’re scary. They’ll hurt. But in the end, you’ll be better and stronger and happier for it.

  • Wow..I could have wrote this myself. This is exactly what I have gone through. It’s uncanny! I felt everything you were saying. How he made you feel so unwanted…. finding someone else who made you feel wonderful about yourself….how your husband found out….how he reacted and the things he said… it all happened to me exactly like that. I stopped the affair and stayed with him, mostly out of guilt. Then he made my life even more miserable after that. A few years later I met someone else and have been having an affair with him for the past 6 years. My husband and I haven’t had sex in those 6 years and he doesn’t seem to care. I want a divorce in the worst way, but we have a severely disabled son that we take care of together and it would be so hard to care for him alone or while living seperately. And my husband keeps telling me he doesn’t want a divorce… I cannot figure out why? I hope you get through this… keep the faith and stay strong.

  • I can tell you from experience, your best days are ahead of you.. It takes a little time, but that goes by to fast anyway, right? You’ll have a few great friends to spend time with, and you’ll cherish the time you spend alone. You’ll be in a place where the TV is always on the right channel and the thermostat is always set at the “right” temperature. Never get married again, you’re life is precious and you’ll love so much deeper when you’re “friends”. I really wish you the best. Rip the bandaid off and start healing, then living. Get divorced and Stay Blessed!

  • I have found fake nails in both of his trucks, i have seem dumb ass ex`s running and hiding from our garage . My clothes always come up missing and with holes all over them, brand new ones. We have no kids. When i run into a man that i am attracted to i just say im married. Welll ive seen him come home from work getting out of his truck and putting his ring back on his finger. Its not fare that im so true and to think he is not, well i want to feel good about myself but i dont. He saids i do it to myself.

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