I Am Ugly

I am ugly.

My body is disgustingly unattractive. My breasts are fatty and flabby. I have a stomach roll my doctor once expressed dismay about in a hospital ER. I’m 45 pounds overweight and nothing short of a surgery seems set to change that. I have hair where women should not have hair. I spend inordinate amounts of time and money removing it from my chin, my jawline, my ugly breasts. I know it is caused by steroid injections that saved my life twice upon a time, but understanding doesn’t change it. Hair, where there should never be hair, is ugly.

I stopped shaving my mons because the skin isn’t pink and pretty beneath that coarse brown, curly hair. It’s ugly… dark brown and lumpy from the hair follicles. I try to trim it but really, why am I bothering? No one touches there, even when I have sex. My lover rarely even probes between my labia or inside my sex until he’s ready to use his cock to do so. There’s hair around my anus too… And I’m not flexible enough to remove that. My lover has never told me I’m ugly (and he’d be kindly indignant if I expressed such a forceful opinion on he matter, too), but I still know it’s true.

My face is ugly. My eyes are standard blue, and a genetic condition makes them behave strangely, so some people assume I am ignoring them or being disrespectful when my eyeballs roll about in my head during meetings or interviews. My hair is nondescript brown. My curls turn frizzy and stick out when my hair is cut too short. However, my lover dislikes it long as it gets in the way and in his mouth when we cuddle, and he’s turned off by that. My skin is oily despite expensive skincare products and facials. I am nearly 40 and it’s still likely I’ll have big ugly pimples or ingrown hairs on it any given day… I have one giant cyst under my chin right now.

There are only so many positions to have sex so he doesn’t have to look at or touch my ugly face. He always fucks me from behind, but it wasn’t always that way. Once upon a time he kissed me while we fucked, and when we both came he would kiss my navel reverently. Now my stomach is covered with long brown hairs and is ugly. He hasn’t kissed it in years, even when I fondly remember that out loud.

Tonight, even after I cried, he didn’t kiss me goodnight. We rarely kiss more than a light peck, even to say good morning, goodnight, welcome home. I can’t remember the last time his tongue was in my mouth. But yes I do brush my teeth and they are straight. I crave kisses. I ache for him to slide his fingers into my hair and kiss me silly, but I am satisfied when he kisses my temple and wishes aloud that I was happy. How can I be happy when I am ugly?

Anal sex has always aroused him, and I’m grateful because I can participate in that without turning him off. He’s the only man who has ever been interested in my ugly body. Ever. I’ve been kissed sexually by less than 5 people, and 2 of those were just once. One of those was really a cruel adolescent boy joke. One man smelled awful and we kissed more than once because I thought it might be the last time I was ever kissed. That man was more interested in toying with my mind than looking at me. My husband is the only man I’ve ever had sex with and the only man I will ever have sex with. He can enjoy anal with me from behind. When he no longer wants me, I will be the same ugly female I was at 16, only without hope of physical affection ever again. Even when he doesn’t want to fuck me anymore, I’ll be happy to sink down on my knees and suck him off. He doesn’t have to look at me when I do that.

I do think my feet might be pretty right after a pedicure, but I can’t think of any other part of my body that might be considered pretty, or sweet, or sexy, or alluring. Even my backside is less than it ought to be. It’s neither plump and full, nor trim and fit. It is just there, wrinkly skin and all. Probably has ugly hair on it too, now that I think about it. At least I can’t see it there.

I wish someone, anyone, would tell me I am beautiful. Or even pretty. Or cute.

I almost published this under my online name. Almost. I’m not though. It’s not that I mind you knowing who I am. I’m ugly anyway and I’ve given up on anyone else – male or female – finding me interesting or sexually attractive. I no longer try to flirt, in real life or virtually, with men who are free to flirt. I’ve never been important to anyone but family and my lover. Still, this pity party would hurt the only man who has ever loved me and sleeps beside me now as I cry.

I couldn’t bear that.

My heart loves, fiercely, even if I am ugly. My heart breaks, silently, because I am ugly.

16 thoughts on “I Am Ugly

  • Hi. I will not patronize you, tell you that you are beautiful inside where it counts. I will not tell you that even models have felt ugly at times. I hear that kind of shit and it makes me personally feel like slapping them. What I will do is tell you first of all it that you should talk to someone, professionally. I have never done so myself, or recommended that anyone do so, but you sound so abjectly unhappy that I worry how you will feel in the future.
    Now, I will share my feelings or experience or perspective or what the fuck ever you call it.
    I am not ugly, I don’t think. Not drop dead gorgeous, and not so hot in bright lights, not good naked god knows, but I can be attractive when I try.
    My point it, there are men (and who knows, maybe some women) who do find me attractive. A couple have even told me the think I’m beautiful. I am by no means beautiful, but that’s not the point. The point is I found, late in my life by some standards, what parts of me are attractive and what parts are better left to the imagination.
    You say your feet are alright, go with that. Get pedicures, buy fan-fucking-tastic shoes. If your feet are what you feel comfortable with, then by all means, go with it. You would be surprised how many men would be happy to look just at your feet!
    And, please, check out #sinfulsunday on this blog. The pictures are all lovely. Some are of women with gorgeous bodies. Some are by women who, like me, do not fit into the conventional idea of what is beauty. But, they are attractive, and they attract people! I know it feels like you will never attract anyone. But, even if it is true, fuck ’em. Don’t let it make you feel worthless. You are, for one thing, good with words, I know from reading this post. Good words turn people on more than a flat tummy, I have learned that in the past couple of years. Go with your words. They are not ugly. They are beautiful.
    reply if you care to, I am @evastjames on twitter.

  • You’re post struck a nerve with me because some of what you said is what I think about myself sometimes at the moment, so you aren’t alone! Like Eva says professional help may be a good way to go forward I’m currently on the waiting list for therapy myself so I can’t yet tell you if it works but I imagine it works if you are ready for it to. I’m not sure what to say that won’t make you feel worse I am terrible with words for the most part and you are much better with them than I am 🙂

    But if you want to just chat I would be happy to chat with you I am @Saint1ess on Twitter, we are all in it together and you can feel better about yourself! Hugs <3

  • Please talk to someone. I am such a hypocrite for saying that, because as I’ve been down the depths of depression and up and back again, and people have begged me to talk to someone, I haven’t found the strength to. But I’m beginning to… And I seriously think you need to.

    Like Eva I am not going to sit here and tell you you’re beautiful, because it would sound so patronising… so body-confidence-column-esque. But there has to be a stronger sense of self-worth, and I can’t tell you how deeply I hope you find it.

    My struggles may be different, but I do have them. And I know what it’s like to cry silently into your pillow – and no one should have to live like that. Find me, if you want to: @HarperEliot.

  • I echo what the others have said but I’m also curious and forgive me if you said this and I missed it but does your husband know you feel this way? Has he ever told you that you are ugly? It sounds to me that you may well be in a relationship with someone who does not share your belief that you are ugly, he may just not know how to talk to you about it. Even though you might feel as though you’ve given him the right signals he perhaps hasn’t interpreted them as so and he may want to tell you that he loves you just the way you are but for whatever reason feels that he can’t. Talking to him really openly and honestly might help you see yourself through his eyes, which might not be as bad as you are thinking

    Low self esteem sucks, ask me how I know! But your writing has really touched me. You’ve reached out here to ask for help and have been strong enough to fight through life threatening illnesses and keep going, I hope you find the strength to ask for further help and talk to people who can make you love yourself again.

    I’m on twitter @kerrie_aa and Molly has my email, I dont mind her passing it to you if you want to chat on email.

    xx

  • As others are said you dont want or need to hear its the inside that counts, society tells us differently everyday,however we can do something about how we feel about not conforming to the stick thin blonde haired ideal the world pushes on us.

    It is not easy, and you may need professional help to go on this journey, but it is worth it There is no magic wand that can change how you look, but you can change how you feel about that.

    It might be a cliche but the sexiest thing is a positive attitude. I speak as someone who disliked her body for many many years, yet now displays it on the internet.

  • I have felt this loathing despair of my body. Few of us are ever happy with our shells. But that is exactly what they r, shells….

    So I developed what made me happy about me, I worked on my style, I honed my humor, I shined from the inside. I let my personality be seen before the rest of me that houses it. I smile the widest, laugh the loudest.

    Everyone has good, fabulous and even outrageous qualities inside them. Suss them out and shine like a diamond from them. That is where true beauty lies. That is the key to self confidence for me, at least.

    I don’t give a hell what any one else says. We all, everyone of us, possess a beauty. Some r just unique, some are not seen at first. But we all do.

    Find what makes u feel good, seriously search until u find it.

    Best, Newt

  • I so relate to every word you say…

    Accurate or dysmorphic?

    Can’t answer that one for myself while sitting in front of a mirror, let alone for you that I have never seen.

    There are people who tell me I am beautiful, and other people who get a sense of power and superiority out of going to great lengths to convince me I am repulsive…which is right?

    Flip a coin…I don’t know.

    All I can give you is one piece of hope…that acne…my teen spots were still persistent after my 40th birthday…then one day they vanished, and never came back. It didn’t solve everything…but it still makes me feel great when people remark my amazing skin.

    I hope that happens to you too…oh, and tell him, if he does not want to make love to you face to face, with joy and pride as a lover should, the option of fecking off and finding someone who does not mind his ignorance is available to him.

  • Girl I know you must be having ‘one of THOSE days’. I was surprised to read even the title ‘I am ugly’. Give yourself a break. Find something to do that pleases You and get out there and do it. A happy woman has somewhat of a ‘glow’, just as a woman who has just been well fucked does.

    Hope things get better for you

  • Oh sweet heart. I am sending you love and hugs. Please see someone, speak to your doctor, get some help for how you are feeling. You really don’t have to feel this way forever, you can feel beautiful, you can, it just takes work to learn to love yourself. A lot of work, but it’s worth it.

  • All,

    Thank you so much for your kind (and tough!) words. I do always feel a certain separation between my mind and my body, but I do not always actively hate it. My angst is worse when I have awful acne on my face, because it’s frankly difficult to look in a mirror then. Unfortunately, acne coincides with female hormonal changes, making for a very manic few days every once in awhile.

    I do have, did have, a seriously bad episode when I wrote this entry and submitted it to Anonymous, aggravated by the dissolution of a friendship that was clearly more important to me than the other person, family drama, and even financial pressure. Tax Day in the United States is this week, and it reminds me of all the money I don’t have to spend on pedicures, manicures, waxing, haircuts, facials, stylists, and good-fitting and attractive outfits. We gave a large chunk of it to Uncle Sam this week instead.

    My partner is a generous, affectionate man with whom I’ve been for more than a decade. He is supportive and does try in many ways (both words and deeds) to express that he likes me just the way I am. If anything, he’s probably weary of reassuring me, and so the compliments have gone the way of opening doors for me and sending flowers and leaving romantic notes — it’s not disgust, but rather apathy and familiarity and the stress of daily life. He has never discouraged me from doing girlie things to help me feel better about my appearance, either, even when I know we can’t really afford for me to spend a hundred dollar bill at the salon every few weeks. He has never once proclaimed me unattractive, even if he is an ‘ass’ man and prefers sex from behind. He does know I have serious body image issues, and has known that from very early on in our relationship.

    He does not know that I wrote this, nor will I be telling him. It would upset him, because of the criticism some of the comments have levied at him but more because my words about myself would hurt and disappoint him. He is not the one who is manic about my body — that’s on me. I realize my depressed-grieving words did cast some sense of failure on him, but in the cold light of morning I know I read more into his preferences than I should. The fact is, he’d rather do it from behind so he can watch my backside as he fucks me, not because he doesn’t want to see my face. It turns him on to watch me beneath him.

    I did not relate my whole story here because those who know me could identify me easily from the telling.

    A piece of my heart was long ago broken by emotional (not physical) bullying that began in elementary school and lasted until I left home (going as far as my parents would agree) for college. I can tell you firsthand that the words of children and teenagers can scar a soul forever. In those days and that place, teachers and administrators did not notice or intervene, except to tell me I should be more outgoing and those monsters would be my friends. By the end of middle school, I did not want them to be my friends, I just wanted to survive them … and I still had four years to go.

    I also did not express all of my body image issues. Stretch marks are evil, I agree about swimming and I live near a beautiful beach. So are scars, for they remind us not only that we have survived, but also that we can never forget. The physical manifestations of genetics are also in play.

    Yes, “Ugly” rings inside my brain, both in my memory and in the mocking voices at the back of my brain. But I can set it aside and go about my life, not caring too much and being a productive member of society.

    That’s where I’m headed now.

    Again. Thank you.

  • Dear Lady,

    God, I want to hug you. It’s not very productive. Just to make you feel some humanity. I have some stats/details for you.

    I am 320+lbs
    I have stretch marks all over my belly & boobs.
    I have terrible acne on the tops of my arms & sometimes my bum.
    I have a huge scar above my c~section scar where I had an infection after giving birth in 2009.
    When I laugh, you can see how many teeth I have missing due to being neglected when I was younger.
    I have a horribly scarred vagina, arounf the bottom towards the perineum.
    I have the biggest bingo wings but the flattest bottom.
    I have a hairy chin & upper lip.
    I am 38 in July.
    My tummy hangs over, well over.
    I have very pendulous breasts.

    and I now accept it all.

    For 36 years I thought I was ugly. My mother stated that I was ugly, day in, day out for 14 years. Amongst other abuse. I have three children, those three children were all concieved wearing some sort of clothing.

    You are not alone. Ever.

    They say ‘love yourself’ and in some ways that is true, but until someone came into my life and categorically told me, you are beautiful, only then did I start to believe. I spent 36+ years self~loathing. Until someone wouldn’t and hasn’t given up on me.

    You now, subsequently entrusted us with the thoughts that you know your partner loves you, desires you & that rhis all solely lies with you. But, communication is key. You have decided not to tell him about this here. But, have a night where you start playfully start asking questions. Asking what he finds a turn on with you..and vice versa.

    I’ve written this so many time. But we are here for such a short time. I lost my Dad at 57. I was 30 at the time. I have no family apart from my children & my Beau. I used to think the world hated me. He’s shown me you only need to like yourself & everything grows from there. Positivity breeds positivity.

    You’re a woman. You’re beautiful, regardless.

    I now walk naked around my bedroom in front of Beau, we make love, naked. I pee in front of him, naked. I bathe in front of him, naked. I’d cook naked, but it might frighten the children 🙂

    You are woman, hear yourself roar..

    I am PlumptiousPea on Twitter.. feel free to find me.

    Pea ~x~

    • I LOVE this post.

      I am woman, I hear you roar and I wish the OP would learn to roar like you.

      I concur with the communication. Without communication between lovers, how can there be progress?

      You, Pea, are also the epitome of beauty, your photos show that and I hope the OP will seek out your blog and see that.

      Original Poster, I feel your pain and it saddens me, I hope you can find peace and love and I hope you learn to roar!

  • Hi Original Poster,

    I have a few thoughts I would like to share. I am probably older than anyone else on this website… I have been through three surgeries to correct cross-eyes (which were not really successful) as a little girl, and suffered the torment of childhood bullying because of how I looked or didn’t look at people. I had a bad overbite until finally getting braces on my teeth. I have large droopy breasts which have always made me appear much heavier than I am. I have no rear to speak of, so I have a weird top heavy appearance. Dull mousy brown hair. My point is that unless a woman happens to be in the 0.01% of womanhood that has the body of a model, we all have physical traits we or others consider unsightly or even dare I use your word, yes, ugly.
    My partner (never ever thought I would find someone who thought I was attractive, but he calls me beautiful and loves me) has a bald pate, paunchy gut, extremely hairy body, and yellowing teeth. That does not take away from the fact that we worship each other and I allow him to control my life and do what he will to me.
    You reap what you sow, Happiness breeds happiness, t’is a fact. Have you tried telling your partner daily that you love him? Write him love notes and make them flowery. Maybe you can’t afford a lot, but even discount stores carry pretty large size sexy lingerie. Try wearing some to bed and watch his eyes light up.
    Make yourself feel good too. If you have access, plant a flower or veggie garden. Working the earth heals the soul. Take a little walk. Write down thoughts in a pretty notebook or journal every day about what makes your soul sing. Play sultry music in your bedroom, and light a candle in the bathroom or bedroom.
    I know this all sounds juvenile and cheesy…. but believe me… when you assault your senses with fresh new scents and feelings, your spirit awakens and you realize things just are not that bad and THEN you can work on yourself. You need to make love to YOURSELF and then, then you can make love to your beloved and caring partner.

    I would love to correspond with you… if you want.
    Sending a big hug to you, my friend,
    elandelmar@gmail.com

  • To the original poster… I know months have gone by, and I have no idea how I got to this board, by mere twist of faith, as I was actually looking for info on breast cancer. PLEASE, if you have access to a doctor (hopefully to a health system where you can be referred to a specialist) -PUT the physical characteristics you included in your post in a list. Set up a appt with your primary doctor. Do not talk too much about your feelings with the doctor, yet, if any jut to let him/her know that the symptoms are having a negative impact on your emotional well-being. I have a hunch you probably have an endocrine disorder that is making you grow hair where it shouldn’t be (I think called hirsutism), acne when you no longer should have it, the mousy hair that sticks out instead of being soft curls, be overweight at the belly, the have lousy drive for life, and an impact on your emotions. If I had to guess, look for Syndrome X or polycystic ovarian syndrome, and also look up said symptoms as they relate to problems with your adrenals. Then visit the doctor so you can get a referral to a specialist that can order some tests! I may be wrong, I am not a doctor, but also, I may be right and you just may have hit luck with this. I hope things will start looking up for you soon! The best thing about it is… these things are NOT YOUR FAULT! Blessings.

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