What do I do?
I have fantasies that I don’t know how to deal with.
I have been married for 18 years to a man I love very much. He still turns me on, the sexiest man I know in fact, but I spend my days at home while he is at work. I have tried to fill my time with books and classes and recently I got an iPad for Christmas. That certainly opened my eyes. I had never really spent much time on the web and my phone was an old flip phone so I had no idea what all the fuss was all about. So like all my friends I started with Facebook, but quickly I came to realize that I could only talk about our cats, talk about other people’s cats, watch videos about cats for so long.
So I wandered to other, less cat infested places.
I found twitter and made some friends there and through those new friends I found porn. Now I had seen porn before, but that was on DVD, things my husband had kept from his bachelor days. This was nothing like that, it was everything under the sun! I spent a lot of time watching (and touching) and it certainly spiced things up when my husband got home. I took all that sexual energy and all those ideas and showered it all on him. He seemed to like it very much.
As I spent more time looking I found myself drawn to one type of video over and over. Two women and one man. I had played around with some of my girlfriends back in my teen days but somehow as time had gone by my initial curiosity about women had gotten lost. I found that the idea of having a threesome with another woman and my husband became my ‘go to’ scenario when I wanted to make myself orgasm.
Then one day I found a video that has fueled my obsession like no other I had seen before. It wasn’t just a threesome. It was a married couple and another woman and she was fucking the husband and making the wife watch. Tell her that he was hers now. That all the wife was good for was making him hard and cleaning them both afterwards. I never came so hard in all my life. I was ashamed and excited and completely confused. How could something like this excite me so?
I was so rattled I stopped visiting the porn sites, I focused all my attention on other things and tried like hell to forget what I had seen.
It didn’t help.
Every time I try to make myself come, or make love to my husband all I can see is this scene. All I can picture is him fucking this woman while I watch and am humiliated and turned on in equal measure.
I don’t know where to go from here. Do I talk to my husband? Will he hate me, leave me.
I just don’t know.
I wrote this just for myself and had no idea what to do with it until I saw something called PostSecret. I didn’t feel that was the place for this so I searched and found this site. I have seen the people who comment and they seem to be kind and understanding. What should I do?
The scenario in the video you saw is called cuckqueaning. It’s a reversal of the more common cuckold fantasy in which a married woman has sex with other men while her husband remains faithful and possibly watches.
Sexual fantasies can be powerful erotic motivators, as you’ve discovered, and it sounds like the cuckqueaning fantasy really does it for you. That said, some fantasies are precursors to experiencing something in reality, while others are best left in the realm of fantasy and enjoyed as role-play. Only you (and your husband) can decide where this fantasy falls for you.
You didn’t get from your first forays into porn, to getting off to this cuckqueaning video, overnight. Your husband isn’t going to go from hearing about this for the first time to ‘let’s do it’ either. If you decide to take steps to advance this fantasy with him, my advice would be to make them small steps at first. Do you and your husband watch porn together? If not, is it conceivable that you could? You could start out be watching FMF threesome porn with him and letting him know it turns you on. Assuming he reacts well to it—FMF threesomes are a very common straight male fantasy—you can then decide where, and how far, to go from there.
I’m a straight man who has been married 18 years. I don’t know your husband but I will say without reservation that the ffm fantasy is pretty common for men. It’s very likely your husband has fantasized about being with two women often enough. I sense that jumping straight into trying to live the shame scene you describe might be a bit too much, too soon, but surprising him with a threesome on his birthday might be an idea.
There are others better qualified than I to guide you through finding a third partner. Certainly I hope you find a woman you’re comfortable with and who meets your needs-because the fact is your husband will probably be so busy having his mind blown from all the attention he won’t think to care.
The main thing to be aware of is your own emotional health: encouraging another woman to fuck your husband is a significant shift in the dynamic of your relationship. The thing to reconcile, that I see, is that even though you are assuming a submissive role you are actually exhibiting a great degree of power in the real life relationship. Spend some time thinking about how you want to feel in your relationship a day or a week after you introduce this.
Good luck.
@liminationdance
I suggest you talk to your husband and start exploring both your fantasies and his one step at a time.
Don’t rush! Just because you like the fantasy of something, doesn’t mean you will like the reality of it, so I don’t suggest you immediately start going out and looking for that fantasy other woman. Remember – your husband has to be OK with the fantasy as well, and in any case it will never happen just like it does in your head. Even if you were to go down that road, finding the right other person, who can engage in the fantasy but isn’t going to try and ruin your marriage in ‘real life’,might be hard.
There is a whole heap of stuff to explore in between the fantasy and making your fantasy a reality, and you might find that the fantasy never even needs to become reality. Having a loving, sexy husband to explore that with will be a LOT of fun!
Don’t be upset or feel you are a bad person for finding this scenario a turn-on! Our minds are very good at eroticizing our fears & insecurities. Sometimes the very things that feel disturbing or humiliating to us turn us on the most!
We live in a culture that teaches us, unfortunately, that lifelong monogamy is all we should want & we should never be turned on by anything but our partner, much less by porn depicting any other scenario. That cultural assumption really constrains the richness of our erotic imaginations.
The truth is – there’s really no “normal” when it comes to sex. We are all so different! What turns on one person may do nothing for another.
You wrote about how your explorations of porn spiced up your sex life. This fantasy can do the same. There’s nothing wrong with letting your mind focus on that scene while having sex.
When you’re ready, you can share it with your husband. Don’t be afraid to say it feels disturbing as well as erotic. Your husband likely has had similar reactions to his fantasies. If you want, you can explore verbalizing it in dirty talk with him. Talking about it & slowly exploring it will give you a better idea if you want it to actually happen or keep it as a fantasy.
You might find this Dan Savage column helpful: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=2242760
Every Dear Abby letter is false, calculated, and meant to keep readers interested.
Maybe Anon should hack Dear Abby?
I think you are trying to imply that all the posts here are ‘fiction’ or that I am writing them. I can assure you that is not the case. If it was do you not think I would make sure they were a bit more regular. Sometimes this site goes months without a post, the reason for that? Because no one has submitted a post in that time.
Mollyxxx
Explain Your Fixation to Your Husband! Do a Dominant/Submissive Scene Where He Ignores You and Uses Suitable Words and Then Works Spanking, Nipple Clamps and Other Mutually Agreed Toys, Plus Lots of Sex! Might Not Change Your Obsession, but, Maybe Give You Many Others!