What do I do?
I have fantasies that I don’t know how to deal with.
I have been married for 18 years to a man I love very much. He still turns me on, the sexiest man I know in fact, but I spend my days at home while he is at work. I have tried to fill my time with books and classes and recently I got an iPad for Christmas. That certainly opened my eyes. I had never really spent much time on the web and my phone was an old flip phone so I had no idea what all the fuss was all about. So like all my friends I started with Facebook, but quickly I came to realize that I could only talk about our cats, talk about other people’s cats, watch videos about cats for so long.
So I wandered to other, less cat infested places.
I found twitter and made some friends there and through those new friends I found porn. Now I had seen porn before, but that was on DVD, things my husband had kept from his bachelor days. This was nothing like that, it was everything under the sun! I spent a lot of time watching (and touching) and it certainly spiced things up when my husband got home. I took all that sexual energy and all those ideas and showered it all on him. He seemed to like it very much.
As I spent more time looking I found myself drawn to one type of video over and over. Two women and one man. I had played around with some of my girlfriends back in my teen days but somehow as time had gone by my initial curiosity about women had gotten lost. I found that the idea of having a threesome with another woman and my husband became my ‘go to’ scenario when I wanted to make myself orgasm.
Then one day I found a video that has fueled my obsession like no other I had seen before. It wasn’t just a threesome. It was a married couple and another woman and she was fucking the husband and making the wife watch. Tell her that he was hers now. That all the wife was good for was making him hard and cleaning them both afterwards. I never came so hard in all my life. I was ashamed and excited and completely confused. How could something like this excite me so?
I was so rattled I stopped visiting the porn sites, I focused all my attention on other things and tried like hell to forget what I had seen.
It didn’t help.
Every time I try to make myself come, or make love to my husband all I can see is this scene. All I can picture is him fucking this woman while I watch and am humiliated and turned on in equal measure.
I don’t know where to go from here. Do I talk to my husband? Will he hate me, leave me.
I just don’t know.
I wrote this just for myself and had no idea what to do with it until I saw something called PostSecret. I didn’t feel that was the place for this so I searched and found this site. I have seen the people who comment and they seem to be kind and understanding. What should I do?