Why do you have to be you? Isn’t it enough that since you’ve opened up to me I’ve seen you differently? Isn’t it enough that I am taken and these thoughts about you are wrong, just for that?
But no. You have to be you. The person I should never look at that way. I shouldn’t be noticing the changes in you recently. The way your back and shoulders move as you run upstairs. I should not be staring at the spot where your neck meets your shoulder, daydreaming about grazing my teeth over that skin… Or gently biting down there as I come.
Nor should I be staring at how your body moves as you walk past me. Every single time. You don’t see it, you say; but I’m looking.
My heart shouldn’t race when you stand a bit too close to where I’m sitting. When I could so easily just turn my head and let my lips work softly down your side, tracing your hips, so close to wear they really want to be.
I shouldn’t find myself fighting the urge to let my lips linger on your earlobe as we share a slightly-too-tight goodbye hug.
Those unspoken words and knowing looks we share in a crowded room shouldn’t haunt me when I’m alone in the dark. Holding my breath and biting my lip so I can’t whisper your name at the final moment. Because it’s wrong. It can’t be you.
But it is. It is you. It’s you as I lay on my front, face in the pillow hoping no one can hear, wishing my fingers were yours.
You are dangerous and addictive. And you.