I am so lonely.
As far as single parents go, I’m one of the lucky ones regarding support. I have a lot of good people around me and I am grateful for that.
But still I feel so desperately lost and alone.
I ended the marriage. It was the right thing to do and I don’t miss him at all. But fuck. Now the novelty of single life has worn off, I feel as though I am sinking.
I’ve got plans. I’m going to go to university and get myself a long overdue education. I’m going to forge a better life for me and my children. I know that if I put even half of the energy I put into my sex life into things that actually matter in the long term, I could go far.
But I just haven’t got the energy right now.
I’m young, scared, and full of regrets. I’m stuck in a town that I hate, unable to move to London, where my heart and soul reside, because it’s too far away from my children’s father. Every day I wish I had never had them, and then I hate myself for that because I love my children more than air and could never be without them. I just wanted something different in life. Something more than living in a council house in a ghost town, spending every spare penny I have on fruitless weekends away to London, chasing my freedom.
They deserve better.
I wish things were different. I know things will be okay, I know that I will get through this and be stronger in the long run. I will finish this post, stop crying, pull my fucking socks up and get on with it. I have shitloads of blessings that I remind myself to count every day, and I do feel better for it. The future isn’t bleak. I just have to carve a different path now.
But just for this moment I am going to allow myself to fall apart.