A Hard Truth to Bear

I am not ambitious in my work, even though I am very good at what I do. I have wondered, often, why this is. I am usually very driven, very goal oriented. Ambitious. But the past few years, not nearly so much.

As I pull this thought out of my head and put it on the table for dissection, I find that it is very possible that I set myself to mediocrity and possible failure in an effort to keep myself from making the very crazy decision to just walk away from my life. By keeping myself un-ambitious, I create a world where I can’t afford to walk away. I couldn’t support myself if I did. And therefore, I stay.

It is my security blanket. It ensures that I do not rip my family apart to satisfy a wholly selfish desire to live on my own, to not be married, to not have to always run every choice, every decision through the filter of another person.

I often wonder what will happen to me when my little family grows up and moves on and leaves just he and I. Will I stay? I honestly just don’t know… There are ten years left to decide.

1 thoughts on “A Hard Truth to Bear

  • Just my two pennies worth:

    Ultimately, my wife and I are together because we want to be at same destination with each other; sure we argue a bit on how to get there, but we know where we both want to be, and we are happy to accommodate and give space for the little diversions we each need; on the whole, we enjoy our journey together, bumps and all. If we didn’t, then I doubt we would still be together.

    For me, traditional success and workplace ambition has it’s place, but the really successful person, is someone who knows what makes them happy and achieves it; and yes, there will be setbacks along the way.

    So, the question I would pose back (and I am sorry if this sounds a bit Management speak, but I have spent three days having my head filled with this stuff!), is that, on your deathbed, when you look back at your life, you think you will regret the things you did do, or the things you didn’t do, more?

    Only personally, and while there any many things in my life I wish I had done differently, there are many, many more opportunities I wish I had taken that I was too scared at the time to do. And some of those I still regret.

    So, the little point to my ramble: we only life once, find what you think will make you happy, and go for it.

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