I am not ambitious in my work, even though I am very good at what I do. I have wondered, often, why this is. I am usually very driven, very goal oriented. Ambitious. But the past few years, not nearly so much.
As I pull this thought out of my head and put it on the table for dissection, I find that it is very possible that I set myself to mediocrity and possible failure in an effort to keep myself from making the very crazy decision to just walk away from my life. By keeping myself un-ambitious, I create a world where I can’t afford to walk away. I couldn’t support myself if I did. And therefore, I stay.
It is my security blanket. It ensures that I do not rip my family apart to satisfy a wholly selfish desire to live on my own, to not be married, to not have to always run every choice, every decision through the filter of another person.
I often wonder what will happen to me when my little family grows up and moves on and leaves just he and I. Will I stay? I honestly just don’t know… There are ten years left to decide.