On my departure

I don’t have the wit to write something suiting this departure but let me try to formulate the thoughts as I disappear from this life. This is not a leaving as in death. This is an end to my personality, my pseudo online. I am wanting just for one final shout out before I go.

You might know me. I am the girl who disappeared without a trace. I am leaving without warning. I am deleting and I am very sad about this. I can’t say goodbye or explain my situation. I can’t say goodbye to everyone. I have all this angst and nowhere to put it. I have been holding back for a long time. If you want to know the truth, I hated my labor sometimes. I hated keeping it all in one tone. My life is a symphony of many melodies and this was just one of them. The darkest side you may say, but it felt good for a while.

I feel by unplugging I will be missing out. The fact that this is not my choice is very frustrating. Three long years of writing and learning to code. Three years of social media and making a name for myself. This is not how I wanted it to end. It means nothing now. I have to make the best of it. I don’t have options. I am going away, taking with me the core of my existence online. I am deleting but you might still find whispers of me. I may show up from time to time in comments or as another me. It will be hard to stay away, at least at first. I won’t get the reception I once enjoyed. You might not even acknowledge me and that hurts.

My experience or proof of my fame, is leaving too. Not that I was that big of a deal, but for me it felt good to be known. Maybe I’ll use this time to redirect my energies. Maybe I’ll reinvent myself and include more of me. If I start over, it will be like starting from scratch. Will anyone remember me? If so, what will they remember? People disappear. In this vocation it is not uncommon. It seems that there have been a few absences lately. Change is the only thing we can count on. I want you to know that I do so unwillingly. Some may think this is no big deal, but for me it feels like planning a funeral. I don’t get to be blue anymore. I have actually shed tears over this. It cost me a lot. It was fun, but now it is over.

This person for me was a labor of love, but also a sanctuary. It offered me the opportunity to see what opening up could mean for me. I learned so much. I will never forsake the person it turned me into. Someone less afraid of their sexuality. Someone braver with their kink. Someone beautiful, who felt adoration for the first time from so many. Thanks for everything. Thanks for all the friendships. Thanks for all the comments and tips. Thanks to all the companies that supported me. Thanks for reading and understanding. This is hard, but it must be done. And now it is finished.


6 thoughts on “On my departure

  • It’s sad that this decision was not yours. I hope it’s one that will not cause more issues long term.

    I have disappeared more times than I can remember. Each new online character slightly different from the last. I know you’ll be missed


  • Achingly familiar sentiments.

    I posted my good bye here a couple of months ago. This is the only place I still regularly visit in the hopes, I suppose, of catching a glimpse of what I enjoyed so much about my pseudo side that very few who know me in real life ever got to see. I connect with your words about feeling accepted and a bit like a celebrity, the life of the virtual party. Everyone who knew me online, knew the real me, the deepest darkest parts of me. Sometimes I miss it.

    While my disappearing act was voluntary on the surface… much like yours, it really wasn’t and perhaps that is why I struggle so hard with staying away completely.

    Good luck in your life. May you find peace and happiness somewhere along the way.

    xoxo ~ J ~

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