The Other Woman, No More…

This is an update to the original blog post here on Anonymous called The Other Woman

The other Woman, no more. it is over..

This thing, this affair, this mad and at times wildly exciting adventure. It all came to a head at the weekend, he told his wife it was over, he came to me and I held him through his sobbing wracking tears, held him, wiped those tears away supported and comforted him as best I could. He told me he didn’t love her, didn’t like her even and also told me he didn’t love me, but that he thought he’d found his soul mate in me. He told me that he had told his wife about me, but he still came to me, for what now I don’t know. I was and am his best friend (his words)

We had a very surreal day together, still doing the things we had originally planned for the day, his birthday, but in a very strange detached way. We didn’t speak of us or what might become of us, but I just let him let everything out, I didn’t know how to reach him so I was simply there for him. He dropped me back at the hotel later in the evening and left to face the music. So scared of what he was going to face at home I didn’t sleep well, my mind in overtime, wondering and not daring to hope if there maybe a future in the distance for us, after all he had come to me hadn’t he..?

The next morning the phone call came that told me that was not to be. “I need to talk to you” he said and I knew instantly it would be bad news. They had talked long into the night and she had admitted how much she had taken the relationship for granted. She had asked for a second chance, something they had never talked about something they never knew was coming, she knows all about me (not everything, not that we had sex as it transpires) and doesn’t feel threatened by me ( In denial?) He has agreed to it. She needs him, he is all she has ever known and he needs the security and familiarity of her. I told him this would be the end for us, he wanted, hoped, we could meet now and then, socially, but of course that could never be. It’s not fair to anyone. So we said a very painful goodbye, amidst many many tears. Tears over things we hadn’t shared and wanted to share, tears over the amazing times we’d had. He left me alone in an hotel room in a strangely ironic way as he had met me there that first time.

How I found the strength to get home without breaking down I don’t know, but I did. He asked me to email him one last time to let him know I was home safe and that would be the end but I couldn’t say it, I still can’t. We have spoken several times since and I am struggling so much to accept how someone who claims to have met their soul-mate, who is totally bereft (more tears) at the loss of their best friend can say goodbye to that and attempt to resurrect a marriage that’s been dead for over 10 years. He has said he sees me everywhere and in everything. He is totally at rock bottom. I can do nothing more for him now, he has to work out for himself what he wants, whether he dare take a risk or settle for mediocrity.

They are going for marriage guidance counselling and I have to respect his decision and I do, and I have told him so but I have told him he needs to be 100% honest with her and tell her EVERYTHING because if he doesn’t I am tempted to. It’s so very hard. I love him so very much and I know that although he says he doesn’t love me he does, but he can’t deal with it. Better the devil you know as he said. I know him better than he knows himself and he knows it and has admitted it. I think his wife is one of three things; either in denial about it, unaware of all the facts, or such a strong woman she can take it on the chin, see that she drove him away and accept her part in it. I know though its a combination of the first 2 and I feel that without the full facts she is unable to make an informed choice about whether and why she should take him back. There is also a part of me that thinks she wouldn’t be able to cope with or understand the full gravity of the situation as in his words she is not terribly well educated. She is naive and as I said before he is all she has ever known and I don’t mean to criticise her in this at all but I did tell him that to start again without her in possession of the full facts would be beginning their relationship again with more lies. He is going to email me one last time despite me telling him not to. He wants to put it all down on paper despite having told me already. I will reply. I shall tell him that I will pick myself up and carry on. I have to, I am stronger than I thought I was. I’m not sure what he came into my life for right now and although I won’t wait for him I will always keep the door ajar should things not work out. You don’t get that many soul-mate’s come your way in lifetime do you?

11 thoughts on “The Other Woman, No More…

  • Ouch! I have been that girl and it hurts. I have been that other girl and it hurts too. The whole situation is painful. No words can fix this, only time. Time is the only cure for the pain.

  • I’ve been in similar events.

    Reading this sounded so much like the things that I went through and thought that at first I couldn’t read it. But… four years later I found a phenomenal woman and moved on. I still think of her from time to time, but that ship has sailed.

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I won’t insult what you’re going through by saying I’ve been there. But I will say this:

    It gets better. Stay strong.

  • Reading through this, I cannot understand the husband’s choices. In the abstract way, I can certainly, the rationalisation/reasoning is simple enough. But, not beyond that…

    May seem a bit callous to say, especially at this time(and admittedly this is based on information only from one perspective)… But, it just seems like he is a coward. That he’s chosen an empty path, because it’s “easier”, if only in the short term.

    The unknown may be scary. Change may mean clawing at a crumbling cliff looking for footing. But, if a better life/deeper fulfillment is on the ridge ahead, why not try? Especially if that beacon is a soul mate.

    It does not sound like he’d be risking the loss of anything, that was not already lost long ago.


    I hope you continue to move forward, trust in yourself and your strength (even when the nights are dark and long or tear filled), and can risk again when the time comes for another love.

  • Wow, that’s so raw. He’s wrong, but men don’t want to be disapproved of by their peers/friends. Hang in there. What is meant to be will be.

  • I think if anything, we have established that HE needs a lot of work. Or that he is in fact a liar or out of grips with what he wants. In the beginning you say that he does not love his wife, and does not even like her. So… why is he even trying to make things work with a woman he doesn’t even like?

    He’s lying to you and himself if he really believes he doesn’t love her let alone like her. And if he’s telling the truth and he’s trying to make things work with a woman he doesn’t even like, there are a whole lot of red flags I can’t even get into.

    He told you he doesn’t love you. You believe that’s not true. Then I suspect him telling you he does not love his wife is a lie too.

    It doesn’t matter what he has told his wife and hasn’t. Seems to me he’s trying to make it work with her. You may be hoping that the more truth comes out, the more it will completely detonate their relationship. Why else would you want to confront her and tell her yourself? I can understand how badly you don’t want them to work out so he does come to you. I say, let them sort their stuff out and HE needs to desperately sort himself out.

    Yes, someone who tells you they are your soul mate, their one in a million, the 2nd woman they have ever loved (some of these are my own personal references) can walk away and never look back. I speak from experience.

    I suggest you be strong and move on. There is life after who you thought was a soul mate. There is. Time does heal. The two of you need to stop talking. The more you talk the more the wounds stay open. He made his choice. He wants to work on keeping his marriage alive with his wife. Who he claims to not even like. *scratches my head* He just doesn’t seem like the right person to stay involved with, especially since he keeps telling you he doesn’t love you. Find someone who can give you much happiness in your life and you don’t have to be the other woman.

    Good luck and stay strong

  • I know you wrote not to feel sorry but, I feel every ounce of pain & it broke my heart. I really do hope you heal quickly and you will find someone who deserves your love. I am sending a hug from me to you. You know you wrote something amazing, when it chokes me & affects on such a personal level.

  • Just echoing what everyone said before me. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants and I’m sure that he wants to continue having contact with you because he wants to keep you too. He doesn’t want to end anything, he got sudden courage and now chickened out again. I hope time lets you see you are worth so much more and heals your pain.

  • It’s been a month… has it for you? are you still picking up the pieces?

    I am sure what you’re saying is right – you knowing him best, being his soul-mate, the assessment of his wife. I know it’s hard to accept that in spite of all this he needs to resuscitate his corpse of a marriage… But it’s his prerogative to try his hardest to honor the commitment he made long ago, even if he strayed from it with you. I believe you woke him up to this, gave him courage by reminding how good things can be and what they should be – and that will be your biggest gift to him.

    As much as fornication is destructive&sinful, you’re the victim in your own way. Giving this to him hurt you, and healing takes time. He’s not the only one who can learn to love the beautiful and thorny place in you, so take give yourself time, take good care of yourself so you can open up to someone who will be free to this.

  • I went through a very similar situation last year in May of 2012. I was so sure and still am after a year later that me and this man connected on a soul level (soul mate I thought for sure). Him too was going through a very difficult situation with his wife of 10 years. He was sure to file for a divorce in May. Even though, unless I do not know otherwise, they had been seperated for a year but in the attempt to work it out was up in the air. I do not know till this day what happened but all I can say I still love him. And just as your guy said he saw you everywhere and in everything, it was the same for us and we both considered each other to be best friends. I never understood why towards the end of our encounter he became distant. As much as I knew I meant no harm and had good intentions he became scared. But it is true, he gave me a gift as I did the same for him, which was love and happiness. I loved him enough to let him go for him to decide what was best for his life, even though it killed every bit of my heart.

    It is painful. I cried for the entire year. Never experienced pain like that in my life. It takes a strong person to let go. Its true what everyone has been saying. Time heals but in the end you will be a much better and stronger person. You will see the decision you made was for the best. Much love and luck to you. Blessings.

  • Yaxara, I wanted to comment on your reply. I understand totally how you’ve felt. It took me a long time to come to terms with all that happened, but I was strong, stronger than I ever thought I was. I wrote him a diary at first, the overwhelming urge to contact him and tell him the minutiae of my life was horrible so I channelled it into a diary. I talked to him that way, and gradually and subconsiously I found I updated it less and less, to the point when I’d gone a whole week without writing to him and then I knew I was on my way to healing. New years eve I deleted everything, emails, pictures etc.. it was very cathartic. Then on my birthday this year a bolt out the blue and a birthday message from him. I was so angry. Angry that he’d dared break the promise and commitment he’d made too himself and his wife as he’d contacted me very publicly via twitter. I didn’t want/need to rake it all up again and I found myself asking myself WHY? My friends have offered their own explanations, all valid but I just felt annoyance and dismay. He has contacted me several times since. I have not initiated any of it. That disappoints me, why has he not been able to move on? They were going for counselling remember?
    It’s been almost a year for me too now and it’s been on my mind again, for that reason as the anniversary is next weekend but also because he’s been in touch when he said he wouldn’t ever again. I have moved on. I have no wish to go back to things as they were and I do still miss him dreadfully. I am still single but happy with that. I have had a couple of equally single lovers since and they have taught me that although that was fun I am ready for commitment and if that means waiting for someone else whomever he may be then that’s fine. I have learned to value myself. I know I’m worth more than to be an extra, to respect myself and I don’t need insecurity. I want to be the fire not the flame and there is no rush.
    Am I healed? I don’t think so yet and as you say Yaxara it does take an awful long time, but one day you’ll look back and realise it doesn’t hurt to think about him anywhere near as much as before. You have reached another stage of acceptance. Each one takes you further on and enables you to archive the past.
    I find myself wondering if he might read this. I did tell him about it as it unfolded last year and I know he read it. I don’t think he’s healed either.

  • I just find the post and comments unbelievable…adulterers lie. They lie about why they want to cheat and they lie about why they remain with their partner.
    If they were not liars they wouldnt be cheating.

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