29th January 2012
I need to write this. I’ve held it in now for 12 months but it’s slowly killing me. I have mild depression, admitting it is hard as I have other health issues. I write this now wondering if it’s the right thing to do. I have a loving partner, a loving family and a few close friends. But it’s not enough. My partner works and lives away from me, meaning money and time come between us. I can’t travel due to anxiety panic attacks – these alone without someone there can lead to my health being more critical. I’m young, yet I have to be battle with these issues.
I feel incredibly guilty that my partner has to travel and to spend money to see me. I also feel incredibly guilty because I don’t have time – a lot would say not working would give me time. It really doesn’t, each day I’m fighting doctors, employment issues and other issues before I can even comes to tackle those social issues.
I haven’t been out alone on public transport for over 2 years. I’m scared I’ll lose my partner because I’m not able to always strong. I love him but I’m also annoyed and scared because he doesn’t understand. He can’t see what I go through to try and keep going. But I know I love him more and more each day.
It kills me to think my best friend can’t see me because I can’t meet her half way. It kills me that my other two best friends live miles away from me. Also the only friends I truly have are my parents, partner, two special friends who together = one, a best friend and a close school pal.
I fear I’m not good enough for him, that he will tire of me always battling with illness. I’m scared frightened and fed up. I feel I can’t fight any more . I wish I never thought this but I feel that I wish I could start again. Could I go back and start again in life or in my career? When I first started to notice I was becoming ill maybe if I had demand the tests I’m having now it would have showed that I shouldn’t of worked in the environment I did. I wonder if I was thin would I still be cursed with being constantly ill but then I think of all the weight I’ve lost and I know it’s not due to my weight.
I hate feeling alone, tired and stressed. My family deal with so much and I can’t help but feel a burden on them. I wrote this secretly because I don’t have the guts or the energy to explain it any more.
But to be honest if someone guessed it was me I’d admit it, probably, up to a point.
Everyone’s situation is different. But I wanted to reach out and say how brave it is for you to admit this. And also that I once suffered from panic attacks & such extreme anxiety that I couldn’t go anywhere crowds were gathered – the grocery store, a concert, even elevators. I found relief through something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (along with meditation). It took some time, but it changed my life for the better. I look at my life now and can’t believe that it’s been 6yrs since I couldn’t even step foot in a grocery store other than at the crack of dawn before the crowds arrived. I don’t know that CBT & meditation will be the answer for you, but at the very minimum I wanted to reach out to say (1) you are not alone, and (2) there is hope!
I hope writing this has helped in some way.