***DISCLAIMER: We all try our best with what we have. This is just my try. I only refuse because it is important for me to believe and feel that this can change. This is how I start trying.***
As I think about kids. It’s not just about me anymore. From this point on I get the feeling that no decision will ever be just about me anymore. My decisions have just been about me, my partner and our lives. Together and apart.
When I picture my two or three future children, it’s not just the worries of parenthood I think about. It’s also a combination of fears and excitement about changing my families cycle. Ending the pattern of mothers scarring their children and absent fathers (some absent of mind, others of presence) because it has to end here. I will not continue that cycle. I refuse to. Because I love them. Because I am going to go to the ends of the earth, the upmost edges of the universe to do better. To be better. For me. For my partner. For them.
I refuse with every fibre of my being to scar them and I am not just going to fight harder, I am going to fight smarter.
I will not suppress or ask them to suppress their feelings to make me feel more comfortable.
I will ask them what they need from me instead of assuming.
I will pay attention.
I will offer options when appropriate (about what they need from me), to show I pay attention.
I will learn about their interests because it’s important for me to know and it’s equally important to them for me to ask.
I will build my parenting skills based on the knowledge, skills and lessons that can be learnt through psychology, early childhood education and youth work.
I will sit with them in silence if they need that from me.
I will ask what they expect of me, so I can try to meet their expectations.
I will discuss decisions that they believe are unfair, with them and I will listen with an open mind.
I will ask for help.
I will address myself and my past with the help of a trained professional.
And the rest? Is undecided.
But THIS is where it ends.