Please don’t do that.
Last night you tried to kiss me goodnight.
I turned my head politely so that I would kiss your cheek, but your open lips still landed on the corner of mine. Your saliva on my skin.
I did not want it.
When you said ‘oh, no tongues then, maybe one day, if I work on you a little more’, I giggled nervously, and instead of saying ‘No. I do not want it’, I said ‘Maybe’.
I don’t mean maybe. You should know that I don’t mean maybe, because months ago I told you that I had nothing other to offer you than friendship. That I didn’t want anything else.
I said ‘maybe’ because even as my heart was sinking, even as I wanted to shout ‘No! I told you No!’,I felt that I should be polite.
I said ‘maybe’ because, the last time a man came onto me and I lost his friendship because of it, and I told my husband about it, my husband said to me ‘You’ve done this twice, now’.
Me. I did it. I lead these men on because there are naked photos of me online. Because I write erotica. Because I want to talk about my sexuality.
And this must mean that I’m available.
Mustn’t it?
I’m not available. I told you I wasn’t available. I wanted a friend. I told you I wanted just a friend.
No, not ‘just’ a friend. A friend.
Someone to talk to. Someone to share myself with. A friend isn’t ‘less than’. A friend is whole. A friend is special.
A friend is something I get and then I lose, because apparently my friendship isn’t good enough unless it comes with an offer of my cunt.
I’m so tired.
I’m so disappointed.
I don’t want to lose another friend because I don’t want to sleep with them.
I don’t want to have to have this conversation with you.
And I hate that part of me still feels that it’s my fault. I hate that most people will say it’s my fault.
Because there are naked pictures of me online.
Because I write erotica.
Because I want to talk about my sexuality.
I just don’t want to have sex with you.
Can that not be OK?
It is difficult sometimes but you have to be respectful of your friend’s wishes. If you just want to be friends then that should be fine, but sometimes friendship and kindness is misconstrued with desire. Sometimes unconsciously we attract them unwilling a sexual appeal so to say. You just have to tactfully blunt. Thank you for sharing
It is absolutely not your fault, but I 100% understand. I am forever trying to be polite to people, too afraid of upsetting them to stand in my power and say “NO! I don’t want this.”
It is hard, I wish I could offer you better advice, but all I can offer is the knowledge that you’re not alone
This is not your fault. You told this person you were only interested in friendship. Full stop. And there is nothing more cringe-inducing than “maybe one day, if I work on you a little more” Wrong. Maybe one day you’ll have a conversation with a person who is a friend and you will mutually decide to take it physical, but he will not “convince” you by “Working on you” That NEVER works and it’s creepy and stalkery. (Even though romantic comedies lead people to think otherwise). I totally get what you’re feeling, as I’m very bad about saying what I mean when it comes to potentially hurting someone’s feelings, but you already did say it. Way back. He is not taking the hint, which means he’s fairly insensitive, and he spoke about you like some sort of puzzle to solve, rather than a person who’s feelings matter, so he’s not much of a friend either. I wouldn’t worry about losing friends like that. (Apologies for the rant, apparently your post touched a nerve…)