I’ve had enough
Before I go ahead with this post I would like to emphatically state that I am *not* suicidal and that I have absolutely no plans or intention to commit suicide.
I just. I’m tired of living. I feel hopeless. Most days are okay but it only takes a small thing to send me spiraling down into an awful black hole where I want to hide and rot away where nobody can see me.
I hate my life and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’ve changed all the things I can change. I left the husband who made me miserable. I’ve taken steps to deal with my debt and that’s moving in the right direction. I’ve become a student again after over 10 years out of school, doing the degree I should have done years ago. I have some wonderful friends both here in my everyday life, and the ones I’ve never met in person (though who have been utter rocks to me). I have all of this good stuff happening and yet I feel so completely hopeless and pointless.
I’m a single mum with no money and I feel like I’m going to be on my own for the rest of my life. Stuck in my small town with no hope of escape for however long it takes for my kids to grow up and not need me to stay here any more. The person I love doesn’t want me. I can’t talk to anybody about any of it because they’re all sick of hearing it – I’m sick of hearing it come out of my mouth. I need to get away. I need to run away as fast as I can but I cant.
As I say I would never take my own life. I’m not at a place where I can’t see any other option. But right now, today, at this moment, I have never wanted to cease to exist more in my entire life.
I want to jump on a train, away from this mess and from everything and just start again. I don’t want a family, I don’t want the responsibility. I love my children dearly but that absolutely unconditional and powerful love for them is my burden. They will always come first and I will love them forever but they deserved better. They deserved to be born to a family who really really wants that life. I look at their sweet, beautiful faces and I want to tell them how sorry I am that I’m not the parent they deserved.
I hate my life. I hate it. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing. The doctor gave me antidepressants which I haven’t yet started to take – the good days are sometimes frequent but it only takes one little thing to set me back. I’ve taken them before. I don’t know why I’m so reluctant this time.
I generally can’t abide these kind of posts. But I understand so much more now why they are necessary. I feel so alone and there is nobody I can talk to. I’m sorry. I just had to put this somewhere where I could be heard without burdening anybody.
Oh I hear you. I hear all of it. I am in exactly the same boat. I so wanted to run away last week. To be “safe” even for a while, but the safe place my mind conjured is not a place I can be, which just made me feel worse.
Like you it feels more like an existence than a life. It sucks. It sucks big time. But we muddle through because we have to. Just know you are not alone xxx
Unfortunately, I don’t know what to tell you to make it all better. But I can tell you that I am in the exact same situation. I love my almost two year old son, with his beautiful red hair and chocolate brown eyes. I love every finger and every toe. His laugh is like music to my ears.
But I don’t want to spend every second of my day, being his parent. I want to send him away to his father so that I can have a normal life. I feel guilty because to me, he is everything, and that is just too much for me to handle. If I had the money, he’d be in day-care every day and I would be able to catch just any kind of a break.
I dream of picking up the basic essentials and moving to England to work at my dream job but I can’t do that because of my son. Court orders and a piece of shit ex boyfriend prevent me from even leaving the state that I live in, unless I leave my son behind.
And when those days come about, the ones where I am so burdened with guilt because I think I am a bad mother for having those feelings, or the days where I don’t even speak to my son, the days where I just sit in a corner and weep because I have no money, no partner, no real father to my son. Or the days when the man that I love, with all of my heart, comes to visit and I essentially ignore my son, other than taking care of his needs.
The man I love however, doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend, just friends with benefits. He doesn’t have that “spark” he says but he is fiercely sexually attracted to me. He says he loves me like a friend, and that hurts because I honestly feel like I love him, more than I love my own son.
I wish I could tell you that it will be ok, that these thoughts are normal and that maybe the stress of your current situation is causing it. I wish I could hug you and tell you I understand. Because I do. I really do. Being a single mum with no money is so hard and yet, we have to act like we are superhero’s or else it all falls apart.
If you can, talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor. Talk to as many people as you can. Set up a support network, and if a doctor has prescribed you medication, then please follow the doctor’s orders. But just know, you are NOT alone. I promise you, you are not alone, and you are not a bad mother for having these feelings.