I am used to emotional pain. I am used to loss, hurt, betrayal, grief. So to survive I gathered together souls like mine. I surrounded myself with people who understood pain, then later in life I surrounded myself with people who understood what it was to seek out a different kind of pain, a pain that for me healed and soothed.
Things happened that changed those core groups that I cherished. If I explained you would figure who I am. Lets just say it has been to much loss. Having those people in my life was like a moat. If I was hurting or left out or unable to cope, I just drew up the drawbridge. All I needed I had.
Now I feel I have nothing. For months and months I have dreamed of ending my life, I even attempted and failed. The woman who used to embrace life and chase every dream is gone. to much loss, to much pain, to much disappointment.
Suicide is selfish and hurtful, I know. I just actually do not know how to carry on further. I have tried everything, thrown all of what was left of my positive at surviving and changing my circumstance. But I had a blow that rocked me past what I can absorb and continue to breathe. I want to let go, and can’t believe in the past how hard I tried to stay alive.
I just needed a place to scream into the empty darkness, that I want it to end. I want the pain to stop.