It seems I’m slowly giving up. I used to interact much more especially with the ones I was close to. I miss some certain people that I can’t see regularly because of travel costs, hotel costs, time, money, illness and anxiety. I hate it when people tell me “oh just ignore your anxiety..” I can’t why? because it’s linked in with my health issues.
I’ve been ill since Christmas and it’s gotten worse. I’m barely able to go without any of the medication I’m required for longer than TWO WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS. I can’t be hospitalised because ALLERGIES and the STUPID SUPER BUGS THAT I CAN CATCH. I’m tired of trying to “fit in” to seem “happy” I’m not. Inside I’m dying, I have no one to really talk to. Family are doing their own things and have their own problems and as for “professional help” I’d rather have someone watch me shit and that’s a HARD limit for me.
It seems I’m slowly giving up all the things I want to enjoy because I don’t know how to bring them out to experience them when I have no one to experience things with. I want love and fucking. Yes I said it love and fucking. I want to be fucked when the need takes us and I want gentle loving when the mood takes us. I want a man who can accept my problems who loves the girl I am inside.
But I live in the past doubting myself even on losing nearly 72lbs and still going with the health issues. I live in fear that if I let myself go again I’ll be walked all over, if I let on that I really am a woman whose never been fucked/had sex/made love then I’ll scare a guy a mile away with my mind. I don’t want a one night stand, or a fuck buddy I want love. But I’m a romantic realist. No ones gonna love me I’m not thin enough, bright enough, happy enough. I’m just a fucking loser.