Slowly giving up..

It seems I’m slowly giving up. I used to interact much more especially with the ones I was close to. I miss some certain people that I can’t see regularly because of travel costs, hotel costs, time, money, illness and anxiety. I hate it when people tell me “oh just ignore your anxiety..” I can’t why? because it’s linked in with my health issues.

I’ve been ill since Christmas and it’s gotten worse. I’m barely able to go without any of the medication I’m required for longer than TWO WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS. I can’t be hospitalised because ALLERGIES and the STUPID SUPER BUGS THAT I CAN CATCH. I’m tired of trying to “fit in” to seem “happy” I’m not. Inside I’m dying, I have no one to really talk to. Family are doing their own things and have their own problems and as for “professional help” I’d rather have someone watch me shit and that’s a HARD limit for me.

It seems I’m slowly giving up all the things I want to enjoy because I don’t know how to bring them out to experience them when I have no one to experience things with. I want love and fucking. Yes I said it love and fucking. I want to be fucked when the need takes us and I want gentle loving when the mood takes us. I want a man who can accept my problems who loves the girl I am inside.

But I live in the past doubting myself even on losing nearly 72lbs and still going with the health issues. I live in fear that if I let myself go again I’ll be walked all over, if I let on that I really am a woman whose never been fucked/had sex/made love then I’ll scare a guy a mile away with my mind. I don’t want a one night stand, or a fuck buddy I want love. But I’m a romantic realist. No ones gonna love me I’m not thin enough, bright enough, happy enough. I’m just a fucking loser.

6 thoughts on “Slowly giving up..

  • I think this line is the reason I felt the need to comment – No ones gonna love me I’m not thin enough, bright enough, happy enough. I’m just a fucking loser.

    No you aren’t, please don’t think that, I don’t even know you, what I do know is though you are doing fantastic if you have lost that much weight, that is some achievement and to do this while unwell. Sadly society makes us feel bad about ourselves because we are a certain size or look a certain way. I’ve dicovered that despite being a curvy woman, men do actually like me the way I am. Hun when you find the strength to accept you for you, you will ooze confidence. Your intelligence comes across in your post so for me the only thing true in the above statement is you aren’t happy. I hope you find that happiness, you need to move forward the best you can at this time, good things will follow.


  • I am a curvy woman as well. One thing I have found is that there are so many men out there who love a curvy woman. I would have never even realized this before twitter and tumblr but since being on those social networks and connecting with so many people, it is clear to me that what the media paints as beautiful and sexy is not the case in the eyes of most men.

    Most men (the good ones, anyway) want a real woman. A woman with flaws and shortcomings and imperfections. A woman who is strong and confident and whose sexy comes from the inside out. A woman whose body is fun to explore, to hold on too, to cuddle up next too. Your weight loss achievement is amazing. It is something to be proud of. I can’t even lose 3 pounds and keep them off.

    I can’t imagine being sick all the time and I hope that you can find a way to cope with that or ease the frustration it brings and I truly hope you find the man you are looking for… sooner than later.

  • We get told so many different things and it is the hardest hitting of them that we often take to heart. Some of us are unlucky enough to have horrible things said to us again and again. It does hit home. However, I would like you to take the above comments and the many more that I am certain will follow as evidence of why you should not give up, of why people like you for you no matter what the external packaging look like.

    On the other hand, being ill all the time must be exhausting. It must be draining and all I can offer you over the vast plains of the internet is my warmth and love.

    Please don’t give up.

    Rachel x

  • Of course there are men that judge on weight or appearance but are they the people who you want to settle down with anyway? I didn’t fall in love with my wife (then three stone overweight) and she didn’t fall in love with me (then four stone overweight) based on our looks. She didn’t fall in love with me because of my previous successful relationships or anything like that. We fell in love with each other because of what was inside. No-one can take that away from you, good luck for the future.

  • Someone who will understand and accept you for you isn’t just something to want – you deserve it and should never give up looking. The only time you’re truly guaranteed to not achieve something is when you choose to give up on it.

    It can be good and healthy to want to grow as a person and be fit in body and mind and heart but as soon as you start beating yourself up for what you’re not then you’re sabotaging yourself. Believe me, I do it all the time.

    What I’m trying to say is just hang in there. Keep hanging on, that’s the key because then you’ll be ready on the days when the pain isn’t quite so bad to take just one step in the direction you want to go. One step will either lead to another, or it will be your achievement for that day. Either way it’s a step forward.

    love to you
    m x

  • Oh huni that’s not true at all, you might feel that you’re not this that or the other enough but that doesn’t make it true. There is someone out there for you, you just look after yourself and work on your anxiety *hugs*

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