@mollysdailykiss.com

This is an update to the original blog post here on Anonymous called The Other Woman

The other Woman, no more. it is over..

This thing, this affair, this mad and at times wildly exciting adventure. It all came to a head at the weekend, he told his wife it was over, he came to me and I held him through his sobbing wracking tears, held him, wiped those tears away supported and comforted him as best I could. He told me he didn’t love her, didn’t like her even and also told me he didn’t love me, but that he thought he’d found his soul mate in me. He told me that he had told his wife about me, but he still came to me, for what now I don’t know. I was and am his best friend (his words)

We had a very surreal day together, still doing the things we had originally planned for the day, his birthday, but in a very strange detached way. We didn’t speak of us or what might become of us, but I just let him let everything out, I didn’t know how to reach him so I was simply there for him. He dropped me back at the hotel later in the evening and left to face the music. So scared of what he was going to face at home I didn’t sleep well, my mind in overtime, wondering and not daring to hope if there maybe a future in the distance for us, after all he had come to me hadn’t he..?

The next morning the phone call came that told me that was not to be. “I need to talk to you” he said and I knew instantly it would be bad news. They had talked long into the night and she had admitted how much she had taken the relationship for granted. She had asked for a second chance, something they had never talked about something they never knew was coming, she knows all about me (not everything, not that we had sex as it transpires) and doesn’t feel threatened by me ( In denial?) He has agreed to it. She needs him, he is all she has ever known and he needs the security and familiarity of her. I told him this would be the end for us, he wanted, hoped, we could meet now and then, socially, but of course that could never be. It’s not fair to anyone. So we said a very painful goodbye, amidst many many tears. Tears over things we hadn’t shared and wanted to share, tears over the amazing times we’d had. He left me alone in an hotel room in a strangely ironic way as he had met me there that first time.

How I found the strength to get home without breaking down I don’t know, but I did. He asked me to email him one last time to let him know I was home safe and that would be the end but I couldn’t say it, I still can’t. We have spoken several times since and I am struggling so much to accept how someone who claims to have met their soul-mate, who is totally bereft (more tears) at the loss of their best friend can say goodbye to that and attempt to resurrect a marriage that’s been dead for over 10 years. He has said he sees me everywhere and in everything. He is totally at rock bottom. I can do nothing more for him now, he has to work out for himself what he wants, whether he dare take a risk or settle for mediocrity.

They are going for marriage guidance counselling and I have to respect his decision and I do, and I have told him so but I have told him he needs to be 100% honest with her and tell her EVERYTHING because if he doesn’t I am tempted to. It’s so very hard. I love him so very much and I know that although he says he doesn’t love me he does, but he can’t deal with it. Better the devil you know as he said. I know him better than he knows himself and he knows it and has admitted it. I think his wife is one of three things; either in denial about it, unaware of all the facts, or such a strong woman she can take it on the chin, see that she drove him away and accept her part in it. I know though its a combination of the first 2 and I feel that without the full facts she is unable to make an informed choice about whether and why she should take him back. There is also a part of me that thinks she wouldn’t be able to cope with or understand the full gravity of the situation as in his words she is not terribly well educated. She is naive and as I said before he is all she has ever known and I don’t mean to criticise her in this at all but I did tell him that to start again without her in possession of the full facts would be beginning their relationship again with more lies. He is going to email me one last time despite me telling him not to. He wants to put it all down on paper despite having told me already. I will reply. I shall tell him that I will pick myself up and carry on. I have to, I am stronger than I thought I was. I’m not sure what he came into my life for right now and although I won’t wait for him I will always keep the door ajar should things not work out. You don’t get that many soul-mate’s come your way in lifetime do you?

6th February 2012

He calls us fuck buddies, maybe that’s his way of rationalising this but we are a long way from that. Fuck buddies have no or very little emotional involvement with each other only calling to satisfy an urge. We, however, talk every day, many times a day, emails and the ever increasing 3-4x weekly lengthy unexpected phone calls. There is a massive emotional involvement on both sides. We talk about everything from sport to what we’ve had for dinner and recently a lot of talk about our children has crept in including names and pictures. That’s not fuck buddies is it? Friends with benefits then? What’s the difference between that and an affair, well I think friends implies just that, two single friends. That’s not us either. You see, therefore, that only leaves one other option.  I’m the other woman.  A relationship based on lies and deception.

So how did I come to fall into this? Clearly I did it with my eyes open, I know enough to be able to rationalise that, but actually it wasn’t a conscious decision to become this involved with him. I did that in my heart long before I found out he was married and therein lays the first lie he told me. Yes he’s lying to me too. He told me he was single or rather his online persona told me he was. I believed it. Silly me. Lesson number one, don’t believe everything you read. People so often hide behind a created fantasy persona on the Internet, it’s very easy. I’ve been approached by more married men this past year than I have single ones and I thought I’d got wise to spotting the obvious pointers. Only making contact in the daytime, never at weekends (family time) maybe only emailing not texting. Lots of little things that hint at their true status but occasionally one slipped through the net. A couple were all talk and definitely had no intention of meeting me but they enjoyed the feeling that they were clearly still fanciable. Ego’s stroked. Annoying, as a single woman though, and time wasted when you could be spending it looking for a nice single guy who’s just waiting for the opportunity to spoil you with their time and love.

Always when I spotted they were married I declined and told them that it could go no further, truthfully, because always I found myself feeling guilty about the wife at home who most likely had no idea her probably much loved husband  was cheating on her. I know how I would feel in her shoes and he’d get a swift kick out the door and no return. I would feel bitterly disappointed that he couldn’t talk to me to put right what had gone wrong and I would feel bitterly disappointed with myself that I’d let him and my marriage down. By coming to me and asking me to be their mistress these married men were seeking my approval, encouragement for their cheating behaviour and up to now I wanted no part of that. So why when I had the choice did I stay with him? He has deceived me as much as he is deluding himself truth be told. I would have every right to feel deceived, disrespected, used as well as disappointed and cheated out of something that could have been so much more had he not been married.  The problem was I had built him and our potential relationship up in my head before I found out he was married. My decision was based on his now false single profile. Before he told me he’d lied to me I had become emotionally involved. I don’t believe that was a deliberate act on his part to trap me, more likely he’s lonely. That much I do believe is true. Our friendship sprung up out of that loneliness and we do have a lot of shared interests. At the point he realised that this was heading for something more for both of us he felt he had to come clean. He gave me my get out clause should I want to take it. I couldn’t. I should have told him there and then what he should do, either man up and sort it out or leave. Don’t involve me. I didn’t though. For I had walked in his shoes. The things he talked about, the problems with his marriage all had a very familiar ring to them and I felt a huge amount of empathy with him over his situation, but I made the decision to respect myself and my former husband and I left. This man has not done that yet and I don’t know if he will but he gave me a chance to when he thought it was becoming more than just someone to talk to, when we had already planned out first meeting. I didn’t have to go through with it I could have walked away but I chose not to. There is an invisible bond that ties. A meeting of minds as well as bodies that’s too strong to ignore. My heart was involved.

So against that backdrop and completely aware of what I was getting myself further into, one afternoon, in an hotel, we met. We both knew what for and we had an amazingly intimate, tender afternoon, learning so much about each other. I knew we would get on before we met, and we have met many times since.

I have learnt that it is a double edged sword meeting a married man. You have the excitement and anticipation of the build-up to a meeting, planning what to wear, what you want to do with those selfish precious hours, and then all too soon it’s over and you’re back home, alone or back at the station with no one to kiss you goodbye. The things normal couples share you do alone when you’re the other woman. I once made a weekend out of a meet. I think it was probably the single most lonely weekend I can recall. I kept myself busy, planned lots of places to go, things to see but all the time I was aware that he was only a few miles away and yet I couldn’t see him or share these things with him. Waiting for him to call because he obviously knew where I was, but of course he couldn’t see me other than the time we’d planned. That’s when it hit me, exactly what I was doing.

The longer it’s gone on the more I think he needs me more than I do him but conversely the more I’ve been able to distance myself from him and come to realise just how lonely he is, trapped even but I don’t believe he will do anything to change his situation, either  to talk to his wife and attempt to resolve the crisis, or leave. I badly want him to, not for me, but to prove to me and to himself and his wife that he is being honest and doing something to sort himself out. That’s not for me to put the words in his mouth or push him into making a decision. Only he can do it. In the meantime we carry on. I shouldn’t encourage him should I? I feel meeting me and becoming involved with me has made him happier in an albeit complicated way and has fulfilled an emptiness in him. I however, am now more aware than ever that this will not help him long term. He is burying his head in the sand scared of what will happen if he does confront it. I’m not sure who’s coming off worse in all of this. The sacrifices I make to see him, which frankly I’m worth more than, or him and the continuing damage to his marriage. Part of me feels guilty for being a co-conspirator of that but another part of me remembers how I was in my own marriage and if she wasn’t pushing him away, not communicating, we none of us would be here.

I wish I could talk to him about it. We have had one very long and very frank discussion about it at the beginning, but now I can’t bring myself to mention it. I don’t want to spoil the time we have together, it’s too precious at the moment but that time will come I’ve no doubt. Something will happen to change it, either he will be discovered, and the deeper we get into this the more risks have been taken,(this makes me wonder if a tiny part of him wants it to be discovered)  or I will meet someone else who is capable of giving to me entirely, with no conditions. It’s just a matter of time.  The other option of us actually becoming a proper couple is not a realistic one.

Some statistics I read said that of all extra marital affairs only a tiny percentage of the other women/men ended up together in a committed relationship with the cheating spouse. Not exactly cheery news but no surprise either and I am know that the chance of us actually becoming a proper couple are remote, and frankly why would I trust him anyway? He’s a liar, how would I know he wouldn’t do it again.

So why am I unburdening myself of this cheery tale here to you dear reader? Well I know you will have your own opinion of what I’m doing and some will probably want to judge me for my actions, but the truth is I cannot tell a soul about him and I need a release valve. My friends would be mortified as would my family. They would no doubt tell me to stop, that I was on a hiding to nothing, going nowhere. Think about his wife and children they would say, I don’t need to be told this I know it already. I can’t even tell them I’m seeing someone because they’d naturally ask when they were going to meet him, want to know more about him and none of that I can tell. So you see it’s even lonelier for me than perhaps him, at least at the end of a visit he goes home to his warm house with his family there and a meal on the table. I go home to an empty cold one.

My choice, don’t feel sorry for me, but if the possibility of this kind of affair crosses your path I want to say don’t be tempted, it will only end in tears because nobody wins. I can’t though, instead I would probably say grab it with both hands, but be careful, know what you are doing and what you’re heading into. I make no excuses for my behaviour, ask for no forgiveness,  It’s just that sometimes another person comes along, whom you connect with on such a deep and intimate level that somehow the rest of the stuff around them doesn’t seem to matter, or you simply manage to filter it out. I don’t know where this is going, which way it will end and I hate not being in control while being able to rationally see what a car crash this is. What I do know though, is that I love to be with him as much as he needs me too and that for now is all.

29th January 2012

I need to write this. I’ve held it in now for 12 months but it’s slowly killing me. I have mild depression, admitting it is hard as I have other health issues. I write this now wondering if it’s the right thing to do. I have a loving partner, a loving family and a few close friends. But it’s not enough. My partner works and lives away from me, meaning money and time come between us. I can’t travel due to anxiety panic attacks – these alone without someone there can lead to my health being more critical. I’m young, yet I have to be battle with these issues.

I feel incredibly guilty that my partner has to travel and to spend money to see me. I also feel incredibly guilty because I don’t have time – a lot would say not working would give me time. It really doesn’t, each day I’m fighting doctors, employment issues and other issues before I can even comes to tackle those social issues.

I haven’t been out alone on public transport for over 2 years. I’m scared I’ll lose my partner because I’m not able to always strong. I love him but I’m also annoyed and scared because he doesn’t understand. He can’t see what I go through to try and keep going. But I know I love him more and more each day.

It kills me to think my best friend can’t see me because I can’t meet her half way. It kills me that my other two best friends live miles away from me. Also the only friends I truly have are my parents, partner, two special friends who together = one, a best friend and a close school pal.

I fear I’m not good enough for him, that he will tire of me always battling with illness. I’m scared frightened and fed up. I feel I can’t fight any more . I wish I never thought this but I feel that I wish I could start again. Could I go back and start again in life or in my career? When I first started to notice I was becoming ill maybe if I had demand the tests I’m having now it would have showed that I shouldn’t of worked in the environment I did. I wonder if I was thin would I still be cursed with being constantly ill but then I think of all the weight I’ve lost and I know it’s not due to my weight.

I hate feeling alone, tired and stressed.  My family deal with so much and I can’t help but feel a burden on them. I wrote this secretly because I don’t have the guts or the energy to explain it any more.

But to be honest if someone guessed it was me I’d admit it, probably, up to a point.

28th January 2012

How do you break off from something that can, at the same time, destroy you and build you up? I still don’t know what to do with the Bloke. He’s in and out and in again, and I can’t really face up to him anymore.

Perhaps I’m making more of this than I should. Perhaps I’m unconsciously in love with him and can’t recognize the signs. It kills me that I can’t write about this on the blog, because although I just can’t deal with it anymore, I’m afraid to cut him out of my life.

Because I’ve never been more excited and terrified at the same time. I could fall in love with him, and I know I can’t because he told me it could never be more than just friends.

I don’t know what I’m feeling.

But at this point, I’m feeling rubbish and I want to go to bed. But I can’t. I sit in front of my computer, refreshing my inbox until that one message comes. The one I’ve been waiting for.

He’s always unexpected. I was doing quite fine tonight until I saw a tweet of his. I knew that a mail was imminent. It’s always unexpected, catches me completely off-guard.

When we’re back-and-forwarding , it’s actually quite fun. He could be such a good mate, if it weren’t for the enormous sexual tension. Or at least, that’s what I feel. I don’t know about him.

Am I just really selfish? Am I really just keeping in touch because I’m slightly addicted to watching him masturbate over the webcam?

Or am I developing actual feelings for him?

If that’s what it is, love can go fuck itself with a giant, spiky dildo. I’m done with it.

In trying to make sense of the relationship I have with him, I come out feeling even more confused than going in. It was so much fun when it first started.

I remember seeing his message, smiling.

Seeing the pics on his website, being mildly amused by them being of his dick.

And then e-mailing him.

Somewhere along the line, I got obsessive. When we made the date for our first meeting, I was scared and excited and incredibly aroused at the prospect of having him near me.

When I saw him on cam that first time, I couldn’t believe he was real. He was there, naked and hot and breathing.

And I wanted that. I wanted it to happen.

As the minutes ticked past on the night we were supposed to meet, I felt so many things at the same time. Mostly terrified. And then peeved. And then angry.

And then I cried.

I still remember the bloke who came to check up on me where I was sitting. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

But I cried.

And I shook it off.

When I came home and finally had access to my inbox, he had left a message. Said he had an emergency, if he could come Saturday morning. And I missed it. I still think I’m the biggest twit for not acting on my instinct and asking access to a computer.

I told him what I felt. He took a month to reply, and I thought he had forgotten me. Maybe it would have been better.

But he came back. And we’ve been making up ever since. I suggested we’d be friends with benefits. Which is logistically impossible for me, but I really didn’t want him out of my life.

Again, it pains me that I can’t be open about this. I just want it to be gone and done with (what I’m feeling) , so I can get on with my life and we can be friends.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Closing all e-mail accounts and Twitter and the blog and just disappear. But that would be not dealing with this.

I’ve got courage in bundles. I can probably talk you under a table and then go home and write a story about it.

But somehow, I’ve got neither the courage nor the words.

I don’t want him out of my life. Or at least, I think that’s it. Maybe I really am just addicted to the movements his hand make when he’s jerking his cock. Or his voice when he tells me to show him my pussy.

I can’t explain it in any other way. He’s like an addiction. I crave the hit and I crave the high I get from him. I’ve never felt so wanted in my entire life. I’ve never shown another man my naked body without having an ounce of shame.

I don’t know whether we’ll ever meet and make due on what we’ve been saying to each other. I don’t know if I want it to happen. Stupidly enough, I’ve made myself scared of sex. And it’s a pain to be scared about the one thing you love talking about the most.

Living with the constant anxiety that he’ll forget me, or reject me is nothing short of horrid. I know I should man up. I know I’m stronger than this. But I can’t help being weak for him.

Even as I sit here, writing this epistle of a confession, I don’t know whether I have the balls to own up to it, tell him about it and post it on the blog. I’m scared of the reactions.

I don’t want pity. I just want this to be out of my system, because I’ve been bottling this up for far too long and it aches.

It’s funny how even the strongest woman can be reduced to a weeping heap of utter shit by the first man that looks her way. I don’t want to be that weeping heap.

But I don’t understand how I can’t cope with this. It’s true. The simple way out doesn’t exist. There is only hard, harder and impossible. But nothing really is impossible.

You can only keep trying harder.

***

So there you have it dear reader, the first ever piece published on Anonymous @ Molly’s Daily Kiss and now it is you turn. Do you have some words of wisdom for the writer, what do you think they should do? Tell the person how they feel? Break it off and be done with it? Or maybe you have another suggestion? Which ever it is leave a comment in the box below, Anonymous is waiting to hear from you…

Mollyxxx

Ps… If you want to find out more about how Anonymous works then go to the ‘About Anonymous‘ Page.