I got an email today, from your lover. This was a bit of a surprise because you have told me that you are just friends. It turns out that you see them whenever they are in town. When I think you are out with your friends. They tell me that when it started out it was just sex, that they give you something that I can’t.
But they decided to write because they have fallen in love with you. They tell me that you love them too.
I shouldn’t be worried though they go on to say, you aren’t going to leave me but that it was time to let me know where things stand. Their spouse knows all about your relationship and is happy that you two have found each other because they are all about the poly.
I don’t understand how any of you think this would be OK.
I am left with my world turned upside down and presented with a fait accompli.
I find myself questioning every decision I made about my life and us.
Why would this be the way I get to find out?
I am completely and utterly lost
I am sorry you are going through this.
My opinion is that you are right to feel lost – even betrayed, because you have been. In some ways it doesn’t matter whether some or all involved are poly. You have been presented, as you say, with a fait accompli, and that is horrible in every possible way. Good people, poly or not, do not treat others this way.
I don’t know whether you were just wanting to vent here, or were actually asking for advice. I don’t know what else to say to you… is it too late for relationship counselling?
What a horrible way to find out. I am so sorry that happened to you and I do hope you find your way through the awful conflicting feelings you may have to take a space to breathe and sort out what you think and feel about this.
This isn’t the point to act in my opinion, but is the point you deliberately slow things down, put in some radical self care and gather your friends and allies around you to navigate these choppy waters. They may not turn out to be your closest friends since you may find that they are too close to your pain to offer a helpful perspective. If possible seek a counsellor to support you in deciding hiw best to work out what you want since that is absolutely what you must do now.
I wish you courage and good support. Sometimes these moments can reveal themselves to be opportunities if we can bear to look closely.
Take care of you. Take your time. Take space if you need to. You have found out this fait accompli in such a horrible way and the shock is hard to process. If you are in a position to get a counsellor for you to talk to – take it. This level of hurt makes us second guess everything. Talk when you want to talk. Keep your space when you want space. Look after you.
I wish you all the best.
You have been lied to in the most awful way, cheated on and then treated with contempt in the way you were told. You are expected to just accept this because so many think it is so trendy and decadent to behave like this, it’s not, it’s hurtful and if you were loved by this individual the would never have done this to you. My advice, leave, leave now with your head held high and find someone who is genuine, who you are enough for and be loved.