Trying To Hold It Together
I have something I need to say and I have nowhere else to say it. I have a blog but my partner reads it and this is something I need to get straight in my own head before I talk to him and I really have no-one else to talk to about this because he is the only one who knows everything about me. So this seemed the best place to come.
We’ve been together almost a year and for the first time in my life I finally feel as if I’ve found ‘The one’. He gets me, I don’t have to explain anything to him, we have loads in common, the reasons why I love him are endless.
I don’t even know why I feel as if things are all wrong. When I talk to him, when I see him, everything is so right. He always makes me feel good, no matter how shitty I feel before I see him. Perhaps it’s because we don’t get to see each other all the time? Maybe if he were closer I’d feel different, I don’t know, all I know is that I don’t feel right when he’s not here. The thing is that neither of us can move right now so the situation is going to continue for the foreseeable future. I think my problem is that I don’t know how much longer I can spend my days and nights without him. The last few days I’ve thought about ending our relationship but it would break his heart, it would break mine too. But maybe that would be preferable to the pain I feel now. I haven’t told him much of this because I don’t want him to feel bad because I feel bad, he can’t help the situation any more than I can. He can’t give up his job because he’s tied to a house, mortgage, paying maintenance to his ex. They have two young kids and he’s such a good dad – another reason I love him. They live in a different country but he goes to see them every few weeks. He’d prefer to see his kids more than he does. I can’t move even though moving would make it easier for me to go to college or get a job because of my kids, they’re settled for the first time in years and they’ve had enough upset in their lives, I’m not moving them again.
I’ve told him sometimes that I miss him, sometimes my blog posts are a bit more revealing, but I can’t put my pain on him, I won’t put it on him, as much as I know he’d do what he could, I don’t want to add my shit to shit he already has to deal with.
I know I should try and just be grateful for what we have, and I am, so unbelievably grateful, and happy that we’ve found each other but that doesn’t change the fact that some days I hurt so bad I wish we’d never met. And I know some of it is because I have depression, just as I know some of it has to do with the dynamics of our relationship. When I feel as if I’m coming apart he keeps me together. Some days I feel as if I’m not going to be able to stop myself breaking apart.
First, I am sorry you are hurting. I too am in a long distance relationship where we cannot move closer because of our respective children.
I do not want to sound harsh with my advice but in my opinion, you need to tell him. You are not protecting him by hiding how much you are hurting when he isn’t there. Keeping that from him will build into an emotional distance between you and could damage your relationship. You should tell him how you feel without blame and without the expectation of a solution. If you love and trust him, you have to love and trust him with all of who you are including these feelings. There isn’t a magic answer, but I do know that sharing emotions honestly including those that scare us, is even more vital in a long distance relationship. My long distance is long term. I hate not seeing him and I struggle sometimes (often) but sharing the struggle is one of the things that makes it a complete relationship rather than a good one.
I hope things get better for you.
Honey.
You need to discuss your feelings. What you don’t want is the anger/sorrow to build into resentment and further complicate things. You need to make plans, with him, about your future – at least to establish that you’re on the same page.
If the pain of breaking up is more unmanageable than the pain of being apart, then to me, breaking the relationship isn’t something on the table.
My wife and I started off as a trans-Atlantic long distance relationship, seeing each other maybe 3 months out of the year. It sucked. But for five years, we made it work until we were ready and able to make the changes in our lives to facilitate me moving overseas. Children will grow up. Jobs and college can change. But you need to start working with your love to at least draw a map of where you want to go – even if that map won’t be used for a number of years down the road.