Don’t know how to not be used

Empty bed

Hi molly. I’m one of those lurkers,  have been following for a while now.

Some background: I’m 21, my partner/boyfriend/master/?? is twice that. We only see each other every… two months,  or so.

Before I met him I had very little experience with sex at all,  and there was an in-between period where I was seeing other people and got a bit more experience. I was always ashamed of this lack of experience,  and only recently was able to admit that to him, which he was great about. Now something else has come up.

Um…  to get to the point…

I can’t fucking ride cock! I just don’t have the experience,  or the strength,  and I’m not exactly small to start with,  and he’s not exactly large to start with,  and it’s just a big mess.  I haven’t tried with him yet.  but looking back on some really horribly awkward and disappointing experiences with others,  I don’t even want to try.

This can all be changed, though : practice makes perfect,  squats will too.  The bigger,  underlying problem is:

I’m scared of having any kind of control over the sex,  over his pleasure,  over being seen like that,  scared of having to be the active component and the responsibility that comes with that,  scared of looking stupid and disappointing him until I finally get it right,  scared of my fat moving in ways I don’t want it to,  scared of looking down at him,  scared of fucking moving. I feel like the only way I’m comfortable with sex with him is when I’m completely helpless. I try to watch porn with the girl on top,  for pointers,  and having to imagine myself in that position gives me this sick feeling in my stomach,  as if it’s just somehow not right. (not to mention body image issues comparing myself to porn actresses)

I voiced these concerns to him,  though he’s sleeping now ,  I know we’ll talk through it eventually but he doesn’t know what it’s like from my POV no matter how understanding and wonderful he is.

I don’t even know if there is concrete advice here.  I’m sure I won’t feel like this in a few years,  and it’s probably a lot to do with the lack of confidence that comes with my inexperience. I  just need to say this in a place detached from my partner,  where I know people will understand.

Don’t know how to not be used

6 thoughts on “Don’t know how to not be used

  • ” scared of looking stupid and disappointing him until I finally get it right,”

    You definitely need to get over the idea that there is a way to get it right.

    The point in riding a cock is to get pleasure out of it yourself. To move in a way that feels good to you. Not to make your body a giant hand-job machine.

    The eroticism in a woman riding a cock is in the fact that she is fucking in a way that feels good to her.

    Take my word for it, take care of yourself and the rest will work out perfectly.

  • Oh God I remember this so well. When you’re first starting to have sex, being on top is like being in the spotlight by yourself. Your fears/insecurities are completely normal, so don’t be too hard on yourself; it takes time to cultivate comfort.

    First of all you need to separate out these ideas. Being inexperienced and unsure is not the same as being used. It’s okay to recognise – and perhaps even voice – that you would like him to take the lead while you’re finding your confidence. In fact it is one of the biggest benefits of being with someone much older than you: he can teach you and help you discover your own skills and desires. But that’s really not the same as being used. It’s just a learning curve.

    As for the actual being-on-top thing. Well, I’ll admit that I really don’t like it any more than I used to. It takes energy and strength, and (although I am actually very comfortable in my skin) it does make me a little more self-conscious than usual. I’ve never really worked on it because I’ve never really felt the desire to. However, there are other things which made me feel uncomfortable at the beginning but which I really enjoy now – such as doggy style. I think it really is about just doing it, building up your strength, finding your confidence. It’s not going to happen over night and you have to be kind to yourself.

    But also, make sure you are able to communicate with him! Tell him when you’re unsure or insecure. And don’t treat it like the end of the world. You can be playful with it! Sex is fun and funny and sometimes ridiculous, so lean into the place where you can laugh. Everyone has those cringe-worthy sex moments; bodies are odd things! Find the fun space and enjoy exploring. Comfort and confidence will come with time.

    Hope things go well!

  • Sex, at its very _best_ looks ridiculous. And it’s beautiful. It’s nice to be/have a pliant thing to fuck. But I’ll bet money neither of you want only that.

    There are many ways of looking at it – but assuming the judgment of your partner is always fraught. Let me paint just one alternative picture (which may also not be right, but has, I believe a greater probability), where my lover desperately, awkwardly tries to impale herself on me while I lie back and watch, and maybe add a tease or pinch or caress. Who is she trying to pleasure physically? That’s secondary, and the de-facto answer is she succeeds in doing it for both of us, to a lesser or greater degree. The first answer is that it matters very little because of the eroticism of the act itself. The fact it is a struggle, that it is awkward, even exhausting, is a turn-on.

    I think the greater barrier here is assuming that the power balance in the sexual relationship is so fragile that any hint of non-passivity is some kind of offense. I think that’s likely not an accurate perception. Ask your lover. Does he want a full-time fuck-doll? Even if that’s his preference I sincerely doubt it’s what he _always_ wants.

    And… more importantly – what do you want yourself? Hint: It’s ok to want the things that scare you.

  • Hi Anon,
    When it comes to confidence relating to size I can completely relate. I used to believe I was unattractive and no one would want to have sex with me because I didn’t have a flat stomach and perky little boobs but when I was not much older than you I realised how wrong I was. I noticed men looking at me, smiling at me, flirting with me. You see although magazines present all these images of young skinny women as every man’s ideal it is nothing like the truth. Men, like us women have lots of different tastes and you have a man in your life that clearly likes you the way you are. Men can’t fake erections, you turn him on, he thinks you’re sexy and he won’t be alone in that thought. I know you mentioned lurking so you’re probably aware of things like tumblr. When I started looking at tumblr I came across a woman called London Andrews and when I saw some of her pictures I reminded me just how sexy us big girls can be. She’s still the woman that pops into my head when I find myself feeling like a very unsexy blob and there are lots of other BBW out there too, embracing who they are and the men that love them.
    As for riding a cock, that can be daunting as a bigger a woman. The thought of our wobbly bits rolling all over the place is off putting if you’re not completely comfortable with your body and that’s not something that I can instantly make better for you but I can give you some suggestions if you want to try being on top.
    The automatic thought when you’re on top is that suddenly you’re going to be responsible for all that thrusting your guy have been doing but that doesn’t have to be the case and I’m sure if you can talk to your boyfriend he’ll be happy to try things out till you find your confidence with being on top. Firstly when you straddle your guy, f you lean forward so you’re pressed against him you’ll find he’ll be able to use his legs to thrust into you. This doesn’t mean he’s doing all the work you use your body to meet his thrusts but you don’t have to feel you are upright and exposed.
    Secondly, if you are happy to stay more upright it doesn’t mean you have to be bouncing up and down on his cock. A simple thrusting from the hips can actually be incredibly stimulating especially if you can lean back slightly so with each thrust his cock hits the front wall of your vaginas and hopefully your G spot too. It’s not just stimulating for you either my husband loves it when I do this to him.
    I really hope something amongst this is a help to you and that you gain your confidence in being a big beautiful woman x

  • hi
    ill go through
    rg:i laughed a lot at “hand-job machine” but you’re right. I think I forget i would even enjoy it bc i get too blinded by worrying about how i look or if I’m impressing him. and apologies about the “right way” thing. I think I see through preconceived notions based on bad porn but in the end i wasn’t immune either.
    harper: im so glad you can remember that feeling. as for taking the lead, that’s always what I’m most comfortable with, and what we tend to center around. and yeah, using is different than him guiding me, though I like and want and have both.
    as for being playful… I have a hard time with that. if I feel silly, it’s terribly hard to laugh at myself rather than just feel ashamed.
    aanother thing I hope to get used to over time, and especially with prolonged exposure to my partner. this once every few weeks thing isn’t cutting it, but can unfortunately not be changed atm.
    raz- you really hit on my biggest problem with that last paragraph.
    I feel like I’ve made a home for myself in the “pliant thing to fuck” role, and that it’s ended up being where I’m most comfortable, and what turns me on most. I suspect the lack of responsibility in my hands there is what makes it so comfortable.
    so in response, it’s not an accurate perception. I think because I only ever expressed the desire to be helpless, anything else hasn’t come up for ages, and now that he expressed the desire to see me at work i was surprised and taken out of that mental comfort zone that I’d established in my fantasies of being mostly only restrained, and acted upon.
    I thought I’d gotten used to what scared me, turns out there’s always something else.

    thanks to molly for posting this and everyone who commented. it’s helped a lot.

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