A little help…. please

I would like to ask for some help, advice and support from my friends. For obvious reasons, which will be revealed I can’t ask questions of this nature via twitter, just know that I’ve met a lot of you and that I trust in your words and vitual responses to my plea.

Ok, well. After a long time of not knowing why I don’t feel like me, why I am constantly bitchy and angry, I have worked it out. I think. maybe…..

It is not as I have blamed, your controlling nature, we have played on this and enjoyed it too, however now, I just simply can not bring myself to call you Sir.

I have avoided you touching me, especially my piercings for a while, because, tbh, I do not want you to touch me. I cant tell you how or when this feeling started, but only that now I can not feel anything but annoyance and irritation at your insistence at fiddling with my nipples or my cunt rings.

It isnt that you criticise me, although you do. I have developed strategies to side step this. It isnt that you constantly undermine me, you do this too, but I have a way to deal with this as well. However it is the addition of all of these things plus many others over time which lead me to the conclusion which makes me very sad. I just don’t love you. Or Im not in love with you…

We have children. A business. A life. We are friends. Not soul mates but friends. I just don’t know what I should do about the love part?

I havent spoken to anyone I know about this, not a soul knows what I know in my heart. I wish I could confide, but I find that I can not. If I say it aloud then I might be given an answer I dont like or want to hear. If somebody in my real life thinks Im not being fair to him or myself and I should leave, then I have to make a decision, I have to do something.

However, Ive no idea if simply not loving the significant other in your life is enough reason to leave? Is it? Or am I a selfish cow?

Ok the not having sex thing is really frustrating for us both. Am I being unfair staying when he could find somebody else to love?

Is there a way back from here? Can I find a way to pull myself back into his arms – at the moment I am desperately clinging to this with my nails, but I feel I am slipping, Im just unhappy, grumpy and tbh, a bitch.

I have spoken and listened to other posts about this. Folk who feel love is everything, you need to be happy, loved, content etc… but I feel like im being totally selfish in even considering leaving, after all who has a perfect relationship? What makes me special to feel I have the right to split up a family, a home, a business, a friendship.

I quite honestly dont have a clue how i should feel, respond, act, be….

I just know that the not enjoying being touched, hugged or kissed part gives me a real indication as to how I feel about him sexually… but but but… is that really important? Am I confusing sex with love? Oh ffs…

Help.

6 thoughts on “A little help…. please

  • This is submitted with my private email address. I have a very good idea of what you are going through. Although I cannot tell you what to do, only you can do that. I can tell you that I went through similar feelings. I left. I came back for the children’s sake. Still, I cannot be sure I did the right thing (for me). The feelings (or lack thereof) are still the same. For more detail, you are welcome to email me.

  • It’s a cold, cruel world out there. It may look like other people have perfect lives, but they don’t. They have the same problems as everybody else. Like you, they’re hiding the problems, or they’ve found ways to deal with them

    Yes, there are worse things than being alone. But if you feel like you are friends with your husband, that goes a long way, at least in my mind, as a reason to stay together.

    I think every couple goes through phases in their sexual relationship. Counselling might help.

    The only reason I presume to offer advice is that I’ve been where you are. I opted to stay and I am so very glad I did. I had a lot invested in the relationship and decided that staying was the best choice for me.

    It was about 7 years into the relationship that I started feeling like I was missing out on something special. Instead, I concentrated on making what I had special.

    I’m not preaching, and the last thing I think you should do is stay if you’re miserably unhappy. But if this is a fairly recent realization, then maybe you are just bored and should take some time together to figure out what you both want.

    I hope this helps and I hope you get what you really want.

    Massive hugs.

  • I have been here, sitting across the table from a man I didn’t love any more but comforting myself with the fact that it was OK as we were friends. 6 – 9 months later I suddenly realised that the friends thing had gone too, not only didn’t I love him any more I didn’t even like him. The realisation literally took my breath away as suddenly everything that I thought I was, that I thought we were, was gone.

    It took me another 4 months to pluck up the courage to end it. I had 2 kids, no job, no training or career to turn to. It was one of the toughest decisions I ever made and I have never ever regretted it for a single moment.

    I am not telling you leave him, or to stay. Time will tell you that, but I am saying that without the love, for me, the friendship soon wore thin too.

    I don’t think wanting love and sexual attraction as part of a life together is wanting to much. Life is frighteningly precious and short and we don’t get another shot at the target. I knew if I didn’t leave now but waited until the kids were older then my best years would be gone, wasted on duty and ‘doing the right thing’. I had already done far too much of that already.

    Your children will be fine whatever you decide and for me, I have tried to show mine that if something is wrong they are the power to change it, to make decisions and to find happiness. They, we, all deserve that.

    Mollyxxx

  • Love can be rough. Love can be tough. Love is more than how we feel on a given day, a mood, or even a passion.

    Your love for your husband shines through your writing. You are devoted.

    Are you missing the romance? You sound involved on many levels – raising kids, keeping house, sharing a business. What about romance? When was the last time you went on a date? When was the last time the two of you did anything that was new to both of you? When did you last explore each other?

    Did you know you can fall in love again? I did. Many have. You can choose to fall in love, some say. I say, some can choose. Maybe that’s you. Maybe that’s him.

    Another thing – couples who have been together a decade sometimes do not know the best way to communicate their affection and passion for each other. My partner likes to hear me say certain words. Yes, she heard it all before. Today is a good day to say some of that again. Tomorrow is looking good too. I feel loved when someone does something for me. Some days, she does nothing, and on those days, I feel less loved, and the passion leaks out of our relationship. The days when she shows me, I get it. I feel it deep. Makes me happy. Although I have always known about this phenomenon, I know that some years ago a book came out talking about “love languages”.

    I think most relationships can be saved – addiction ruins some, and some abusers are always abusers, and can’t keep a relationship forever. The rest of us can mend and heal, sustaining a relationship for years and years. I hope that’s you two!

  • “It isn’t that you criticise me” “It isn’t that you constantly undermine me”.

    Those do not seem to me to be the qualities I would hope to find in a friend. But if I did find them, I would talk to that ‘friend’ about how it made me feel, and ask them to stop. If they didn’t, they would not be my friend.

    The first, most difficult step, might be to actually find a way to say all of this openly, honestly, brutally perhaps, but with an open mind that listens to what is said in return.

    Who knows where that might lead.

    “Am I being unfair staying when he could find somebody else to love?” I think that’s for him to decide for himself isn’t it? He’s a grown up. But I think you already know that what you have is not enough to meet your needs. So one way or another, you have a decision to make. Put up with that, selflessly and without bitterness. Or change it.

    It really is that simple.

    [OK, I admit, shit gets complicated after that point, but what joy knowing you are living with the consequences of your own choices rather than just sleep walking through life.]

    Good luck.

  • I speak from experience when I say it’s time to end things. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can start rebuilding a life that is full of joy and passion and desire. Something you both deserve.

    I spent YEARS trying to get back what we once had. We did therapy. I did yoga and meditation. I tried changing my perspective and my attitude and my needs and wants, and even had conversations with him about the things I needed him to change.

    But you know deep in your gut what the truth is, and it’s that this relationship is no longer serving you. Either of you.

    It will be difficult. Scary. You’ll question yourself when things get really tough. But then once it’s over and you’ve settled into your new routine and grieved the loss of your relationship (which doesn’t always happen right away – it happened for me about 9 months after we’d finished things and he’d moved out), THEN you’ll start marveling at the changes.

    And, my guess is that you’ll feel an enormous weight lifted as soon as you say the words that you want to end things.

    He has a right to get angry and feel hurt and sad and confused. You have a right to your feelings, too. So you decide how much explanation and space you want to give him. If you approach it with love, though, you can probably continue to nurture a friendship and a co-parenting situation after the break-up.

    As for the perfect relationship – no relationship is perfect, but love should always be there on some level. A feeling of “fuck, I want to punch you in the throat, but I love you and I won’t” or “I WANT TO STRANGLE YOU” but when you think of your life without that person you literally cannot fathom it. That’s healthy and normal.

    When you recoil from touches and feeling like you’re suffocating or drowning, it’s because you aren’t listening to your truth.

    And the truth is that it is NOT selfish to want a life and a relationship that are full of joy and hopes and dreams and all that good stuff. It’s not to say you don’t have bad days, that the passion might wane a bit, but based on what I’m reading here it would be more selfish to stay. Because then you’re robbing BOTH of you of the chance at finding happiness with someone else.

    Good luck!!!!! It’s hard, but it’s worth it.

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