I am completely lost

I am completely lost and don’t know what to do.

I have discovered that my wife of ten years is having an affair. With a woman. I confronted her when I found out and she came clean. They have been seeing each other for almost two years. She says that they are in love, she claims she still loves me but that her girlfriend fills a need that I can not.

I don’t know how to cope. I could almost understand and forgive her if it was another man. I could learn what he gave her that I could not and make this better. But how to I compete with a woman, what can she do for my wife that I can not? Is my wife really a lesbian and she is only with me to seem normal to society? She says that none of that is true, that she loves and desires me as she always has, but how can that be true? This has gotten me completely turned around and affected me so much that I have been unable to make love to her. I feel deceived and  a failure as a husband and a man. How can I make this right again?

4 thoughts on “I am completely lost

  • First of all, I am very sorry for your hurt.I think it must have been such a shock to find out. My first advice would be to try to pause for a while. You say that it would be easier if it was another man. It makes me feel a little sad that you feel that way. I doubt that your wife is with you purely for appearances. She is probably bisexual. There doesn’t have to be any competition. You don’t need to try to mimic what she gets from her other relationship. If you are able to talk and listen, then it is possible to go forwards happily. People do not have a finite amount of love. Your wife’s relationship with another woman does not lessen her love for you.

    I hope that by talking and understanding, you can come to terms with this. The other woman does not take your wife away from you. Their relationship can coexist with yours and if everyone is able to accept that, then everyone can share in a positive dynamic.

    You two do need to talk about honesty and openness so that there is no more hiding.

  • Well… I can’t even guess the stomach punch you have had discovering this.
    I guess the question is – What does the wife want? Does she still want you? Or does she want to leave you?

    If she still wants to stay with you, then she’s like bisexual and polyamorous.

    Personally, if it were me, I’m not too cool with the poly life style. But… *Don’t* view it is as competition.
    View things as a competition, and you will lose.
    I have that with a previous relationship where my girlfriend ‘turned poly’ with another ‘woman’, and I made a huge mistake and viewed it as a competition.
    So I competed, I beat my chest like a caveman.
    And I lost.
    Badly.

    I couldn’t provide for my girlfriend things that she got elsehwere.
    Similarly, the other person couldn’t give what I could give.

    But because I turned it in to a pissing contest, I lost.

    So… Talk to your wife – See what she wants.
    If she wants out, then file for divorce. Whatever is amicable.
    You are going to have a broken heart, and it will either heal with her help and trust.
    Or at the loss of the relationship, and you need to get on.

    But you *cant* over think things. You’re going to get your head in a mess.

    She needs to talk to you ASAP, and unfortunately, you are going to have to put her in the driving seat.
    And, btw, don’t let her not be in the driving seat, because she’s messing with your life, you head, and your heart.

    All the best

    Jules

  • I think you need to sit down and talk with your wife and get her to explain how she feels and maybe then you will understand the situation a little better.

    It sounds like she is bi-sexual and in that respect is more than capable of loving and sexually desiring both you and her female partner.

    Once you have discussed with her how she feels, what she wants from your relationship and her needs you need to then take some time to think about your own.

    Consider meeting her other partner at some point when you are ready to understand and see her side of the story too.

    Maybe you can find a way that you will both be comfortable with moving forward in your lives or maybe you will have to accept that your relationship has reached its end.

    But it’s important that you remember that you didn’t fail. Your wife said she still loves and desires you.

    I guess one of the questions you need to ask yourself is: your wife has been honest with you and said she is bi-sexual and needs both partners in her life, are you still happy to be with her on those terms?

    Good luck for what will surely be a series of very difficult conversations.

  • First off, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. Whatever it is you feel, is completely valid. You have a right to those feelings and it may take time to sort through them.

    You and your wife should probably sit down and have a calm, open, honest conversation. Let her know you have questions and you’re trying to understand what’s happening. “I” statements are probably best and keep accusations to a minimum. If at the end of this conversation (or conversations) you both decide you wish to remain married, I would strongly urge you to seek counseling to help sort through any marital issues.

    I know this isn’t something you want to hear but if your wife wishes to continue seeing this woman and it’s not something you can accommodate, it may be time to consider parting ways. You absolutely deserve the kind of relationship you want on terms that work best for both partners.

    That’s my unofficial therapist’s response (I’m still working on getting hours toward my license – in the interest of honesty). This is going to be hard. Stay strong and do what’s right for you.

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