Out of Sync

I’m out of sync.  I’m muddled up.

My head is screwed on.  I know you’ll never leave her and I would never ask you to.  I know what we are.  I know our limitations.  I’ve never been under any impression that you would want any more than this with me.

But my heart is beating to a different tune.   Despite me telling it that it’s being stupid, it’s always clinging to a tiny chink of hope that maybe this time will be different, maybe this time you’ll realise that you love me properly.  Maybe this time will change your mind.  Maybe if I just align myself that little bit more, do everything you want me to do, say the right things, then there will come a day where I’m not moving mountains to get to see you, or crying on trains when I have to leave you.

I find it hard to believe that you don’t notice.  That you don’t realise.  Either you’re blind, or you choose to ignore it because you don’t want to have to quit me.

This is destroying me.  You are destroying me.  But then you kiss me and touch me and for a little while it’s worth it.

2 thoughts on “Out of Sync

  • I could have written this last year but then his wife found out and everything changed. Do you want to settle for second best? Do you want to be a secret? Dont break your own heart for someone else.

  • Oh, love. I’ve been here, and made different decisions each time. I regret things about each one of them. Choosing to continue on as the secondary who isn’t getting what they truly want is almost as painful as cutting those ties and just letting go. I literally ache reading this – both knowing that you’re going though this, and reliving my own versions of this. I hope whichever decision you make, if you even choose to make one, gives you answers – even if those answers won’t be clear for years to come.

    You know where I am. You know how to get in touch if you need a more focused ear.

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