He told me he would look after me, and I believed him.
He told me he missed me, and I believed him.
He told me I was his, and I believed him.
And the worst part of it all is, he was telling the truth. He meant it when he said it.
But now we are both pretending that neither of us ever said anything.
And now I can’t believe anything he says.
And there is nowhere safe to explain everything that happened between us.
And there is no one I can tell about what happened between us.
I can’t even write it out here fully, because it would be so obvious to anyone who knows us who I am.
So every time he or she or he ask me how I am, I smile and tell them I am OK.
And I wonder why, when he saw me so completely, he can’t see just how far away OK is.
And I realise that I am so used to having my heart shattered, that I am so good at holding it together, that no one can tell anymore.
I put everyone else before me.
And I am so very lonely.
Yesterday, my friend asked me if I was the one who submitted this. Today I woke up to a Dm on twitter asking the same from another friend.
It isn’t, but it could have been. So I will share with you how I survived and survive it. Because it has been by the skin of my teeth.
I look inside of me, beyond the shattered heart, years of broken dreams, the lies passed off as love. I look for my fire. Because it is my unconquerable fire that allows me to be the one who puts everyone else first, who loves so hard, who remains so loyal, who is always the last to walk away. And my truth is that if I had never been so hurt early in life I wouldn’t have the compassion that I have now- to never want to hurt another the way I was hurt. And in fire is power.
Maybe your partner wants to be all that he said, and doesn’t know how. Maybe he doesnt have the tools to carry through. If you love him, then look inside and find your fire. Communicate. Cry. Laugh. Reach out. Find someone to tell your worst to. Believe me I know how to laugh through the pain… but that shell won’t last you forever. You hold the power no matter what you think now. If He cannot see or change, then let that fire carry you on to another path in life. Or the pain will swallow you up like it almost did me. But I found my fire just in the nick of time.
Lastly, you are not alone. I have spent my entire adult career reaching out to strangers. If you need a ear or a safe place to vent ask Molly for my email or I will post it here. You are not alone. total strangers are reading this and talking about you. They feel for you, sorry for you. Don’t give up or in. Find your fire and hold on tight to it. Its a hard scary cold world without it.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94hHX0eVSTA&w=420&h=315%5D
That was meant to be feel for you, not sorry for you. I want that to be very clear. It is compassion we feel, a wish to comfort.
I am so very sorry for your loss, if that is the right word. You seem so lost and alone and I don’t quite know what to say to you without knowing more.
It has been said so many times before, but perhaps that’s because it’s true: it will get better in time.
I wish you well.
Feeling so confined by the inability to pour it all out can feel crippling. Is there nowhere or no-one that you can talk to? I absolutely believe you when you say there isn’t. Maybe write it all down and then burn it for your own safety. You are pretending to the outside that you are ok. He might be doing the same.
Time will pass and not take it away but they will make it easier to go on. Look after yourself very carefully now.