A lie

My whole life is a lie. Every part of my life is filled with deception. Not one aspect of it is untouched.

In my vanilla life, no one knows that I am kinky or bi-sexual. It is my secret. My dirty little lie that would have me kicked out of my church, disowned by my family, shunned at my children’s functions and school events. So I keep that part of myself a secret from them. I deceive them about who I really am.

In my kink life, there are less secrets… but still one (and a very big one)… no one (kinky or vanilla) knows about my secret life. I am more honest with those in my kink life but still not fully so because I have a secret life as well. A secret life filled with longing for things I can’t have in my real life, desires left unfulfilled.

But, even in my secret life, which is lived out mainly on twitter and kik, there are lies and deception because I don’t want my real life to interfere with the goals of my secret life.  I don’t want the ones that might possibly fulfill at least a sliver of those desires to know about my real life. I don’t want the restriction of my real life to interfere and so I keep that to myself. I deceive those who share my secret life as well.

Even those I am closest too in any of those three parts of my life only know partial truths, shadows of the real me. There is not one person who I am wholly honest with… probably not even myself. How long can a person live with such all consuming lies and deception before they tear her completely apart?

One thought on “A lie

  • Goodness gracious. That’s a lot to take in.

    Here’s my first question for you – what does life look like if you blow the lid off the secrets and lies and fully express yourself?

    Kicked out of church? Well, find a new one that’s kink friendly (there are plenty out there).

    Disowned by your family? This happens thousands of times per day to LGBT folks who come out of the closet. But they survive and thrive. They create their own families, they build community. And honestly, many families end up coming around in the end. Do they need to know EVERY detail? No. But you deserve to be honest with yourself and in the path you walk.

    Shunned at social functions? Again – there are some details we all stay mum on. Kinky or not, the parents of your kids’ friends don’t need to know exactly what goes on in your bedroom. You don’t have to lie. You simply set a boundary of what you will and won’t discuss.

    Having children certainly complicates matters because you need to be careful of your impact on them. But there are SO many kinky folks who are awesome parents and who live pretty loudly in their kink/poly/bi-ness. I’m assuming you’re on Fetlife – I see many stories by kinky parents telling funny anecdotes about their kids finding implements or adopting their kinks once they get older.

    We all balance our lives. I’m really open about my life, my kinks, my sexual escapades…I co-host a podcast where I talk about really personal stuff sometimes. But even then, there are certain things I keep to myself because that’s my boundary. I do not feel like I’m lying or hiding anything. I’m simply making a choice about what is my business and what is everyone else’s business.

    I would challenge you to reframe your situation a little. If you aren’t willing to bust out of the kinky closet (within reason), then perhaps consider the secrets more of an escape. One that offers solace from your vanilla life.

    Life is too short to feel like you’re strangling yourself with lies and hiding. See if there’s a way to change the conversation a little bit, give yourself some space to live more honestly, and more than anything, be gentle with yourself. We are all making mistakes as we figure all of this crap out.

    Do your best. Be safe. Good luck.

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