Loneliness

I am so lonely.

As far as single parents go, I’m one of the lucky ones regarding support. I have a lot of good people around me and I am grateful for that.

But still I feel so desperately lost and alone.

I ended the marriage. It was the right thing to do and I don’t miss him at all. But fuck. Now the novelty of single life has worn off,  I feel as though I am sinking.

I’ve got plans. I’m going to go to university and get myself a long overdue education.  I’m going to forge a better life for me and my children.  I know that if I put even half of the energy I put into my sex life into things that actually matter in the long term, I could go far.

But I just haven’t got the energy right now.

I’m young, scared, and full of regrets. I’m stuck in a town that I hate, unable to move to London, where my heart and soul reside, because it’s too far away from my children’s father.  Every day I wish I had never had them, and then I hate myself for that because I love my children more than air and could never be without them.  I just wanted something different in life. Something more than living in a council house in a ghost town, spending every spare penny I have on fruitless weekends away to London, chasing my freedom.

They deserve better.

I wish things were different. I know things will be okay, I know that I will get through this and be stronger in the long run.  I will finish this post, stop crying, pull my fucking socks up and get on with it. I have shitloads of blessings that I remind myself to count every day, and I do feel better for it. The future isn’t bleak. I just have to carve a different path now.

But just for this moment I am going to allow myself to fall apart.

 

2 thoughts on “Loneliness

  • It takes strength and courage to allow yourself to break and fall apart.Because Only then you will be able to buy a pair of socks of your own choosing and rebuild things the way you want them.

    it is not easy, to quote a good friend “if it was easy everyone would do it”

    Become who you need to be then you will be happy. when you are happy your children will have the best of you.

    I wish you all you would wish for yourself.

    Hope

  • So sorry to hear you feel like this, I know the feeling though. I am a single parent you may as well say. My other half lives in another state and we have yet to see each other. I do not get help from any of my kids fathers and they do not even come to see them. I am about to move again, even though it is too far but it will be closer to people who support me. I really don’t have anyone to help me where I am. My mom lives far and I rarely talk to my brother and aunt. I feel so alone where I am at. Keep your chin up and remember do all you can for your babies. They come first but you have to also remember that you have to put yourself first once and a while. I forget this at times. I wish you well, and let those tears out when you can.

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