I Have Given Up
I have given up gaming because you said it was taking up too much of our life, although all those times that you became addicted to a new game and disappeared for months at a time were ok.
I have given up skype and instant messaging so that you do not have to fear that I would use those venues to meet someone else and run away with them.
I have given up text messaging so that you don’t have to wonder who I’m talking to about what.
I have given up my online relationships (the ones you gave me permission to have) so that your mind is not troubled with just how far I might involve myself with those relationships or the possible threat (imagined possible threat) they might be to ours.
I have given up twitter, tumblr and my blog so that you don’t have to bear witness to my flirting, to my darkest desires and so that my words don’t scare the shit out of you.
I have given up swinging because you said we are no longer swingers.
I have given up flirting… with anyone.
I have given up sharing naughty photos privately or in the online venues (which were approved by you) – there was a time when you loved to show me off, share me with others, now if I post a photo you get irritated and jealous. So I don’t.
I have given up writing as everything I write affects you negatively.
I have given up learning about myself because every new thing I learn about me, you see as a threat to us.
I have given up voicing my thoughts to you to keep the misunderstandings and fighting to a minimum.
I have given up my job so that you don’t have to be alone in the evenings, so that the house is clean when you get home, so that I am available in case you want to do something.
I have given up my home.
I have given up my body’s natural clock and conformed to your schedule.
I have given up making new friends.
I have given up my dreams.
I have given up hope.
I have given up everything for you to be happy and still you are not.
If I give you the very little that is left, I am sure that I will vanish with it. There will only be a very unhappy you and a fragile shell of the woman I once was, the woman I could have been.
I don’t know what else to do. I have given up.