I Have Given Up

I have given up gaming because you said it was taking up too much of our life, although all those times that you became addicted to a new game and disappeared for months at a time were ok.

I have given up skype and instant messaging so that you do not have to fear that I would use those venues to meet someone else and run away with them.

I have given up text messaging so that you don’t have to wonder who I’m talking to about what.

I have given up my online relationships (the ones you gave me permission to have) so that your mind is not troubled with just how far I might involve myself with those relationships or the possible threat (imagined possible threat) they might be to ours.

I have given up twitter, tumblr and my blog so that you don’t have to bear witness to my flirting, to my darkest desires and so that my words don’t scare the shit out of you.

I have given up swinging because you said we are no longer swingers.

I have given up flirting… with anyone.

I have given up sharing naughty photos privately or in the online venues (which were approved by you) – there was a time when you loved to show me off, share me with others, now if I post a photo you get irritated and jealous. So I don’t.

I have given up writing as everything I write affects you negatively.

I have given up learning about myself because every new thing I learn about me, you see as a threat to us.

I have given up voicing my thoughts to you to keep the misunderstandings and fighting to a minimum.

I have given up my job so that you don’t have to be alone in the evenings, so that the house is clean when you get home, so that I am available in case you want to do something.

I have given up my home.

I have given up my body’s natural clock and conformed to your schedule.

I have given up making new friends.

I have given up my dreams.

I have given up hope.

I have given up everything for you to be happy and still you are not.

If I give you the very little that is left, I am sure that I will vanish with it. There will only be a very unhappy you and a fragile shell of the woman I once was, the woman I could have been.

I don’t know what else to do. I have given up.

13 thoughts on “I Have Given Up

  • Wow! Hard hitting piece. I’ve a friend going through something a little similar at the moment and I know it’s been hard on her. The vanilla side of a relationship can cause problems if both aren’t equally open to certain aspects.

  • This makes me a little sad and very angry. I wish I could hug you and shake you at the same time. I remember feeling this way. So lost and empty. So done. You don’t have to vanish. You just need to remember that YOU are the most important person in your life. You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself. A cliché yes, but it’s very true.

  • Don’t give up on you. Give up on them. Give up putting yourself second. Give up being responsible for someone else’s happiness. You will never “make” someone happy. That is down to them. If you cannot be, just simply BE together, you are with the wrong person. I know every one of those words. I have been there. I have felt that eggshell fragility of the vacuum between two people who cannot be themselves. Itdoesntget better. If I knew then what I know now of the sheer joy that can exist between two people instead? Perhaps I did not value my freedom because I had no idea what it was. I am so grateful that I was freed. I hope desperately that you will free yourself and him too. He seems to be building a cage around both of you. Have the courage to break out. I promise it will be worth it.

  • My first serious relationship was similar to what’s happening to you.

    She coerced me over time to try and change my personality, ethics, interactions with others and once I was more isolated, but still resisting, she used physical harm and various threats to “enhance” her methods. She had a lot of help from friends and society in general, in trying to convince me that there was something wrong with me and I needed to change.

    This went on for years.

    Some scoff at these situations, mock them, or will claim it’s personal weakness, or what have you. These people are idiots, ignore them. It can be a simple as trying to be a good partner, or compromising to try and make the relationship work… With the creep into abuse being slow and insidious. That’s how it was for me, and seems to be for you as well. And with, or without the physical aspect, it certainly is abuse.

    Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and rebelled. No one supported or helped me, no one even believed me, family included. She managed to convince many people that I was unstable, or dangerous, etc. And she nearly drove me to suicide with further manipulations.

    Breaking free isn’t easy. It will be painful, difficult, a dark abyss at times, and even if you leave right away, it will take significant time to be okay.

    But, it’s worth it. Who you are, hasn’t disappeared. It doesn’t vanish. It’s only buried underneath the layers of grime the abuser uses to try and hide and contain the truth of you. And whoever you are, the true you is beautiful and deserves to exist.

    I don’t know if you’ll see this, but if you do I wanted you to know you’re not alone and that this doesn’t have to be the end. I love and accept people for who they are and support them in who they want to be. And now I have a partner who does the same. So, it is possible. It’s not that you’re unworthy, or too strange, or any myriad other bullshit. Being who you are is not a crime.

    Don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. You’re worth fighting for… And good luck.

  • Goodness. I am so sorry that you are feeling like that. Please don’t give up. Please don’t stop being yourself.

  • At that point what you give up is the relationship. You can’t give up so much of yourself and survive mentally and emotionally. If you have nothing left to give, that’s the sign that it’s time to go. Yes it will hurt, but you’ll be able to reclaim all those things you’ve given up once you’re on your own again.

  • The only thing that will be there when everything gives up on you, will only be you. Love, you can never please anyone always, this includes your partner. It is in knowing what you want that you will only be contented. I know that your happiness now may depend on your partner, but think of the ways you may have been putting yourself more in misery. I do not wish you to upset your partner or be everything he is jealous you of being. I wish that you be yourself always. Never give up on that person within. You are the only one you’ll have when everything falls into pieces. Love yourself. Never give up.

  • I’ve been there and it didn’t get any better for me. In fact, it only got worse. Living purely for someone else, isn’t living. My own situation became violent when I tried to leave. I’d left it too long – given him all the power and the belief that he had the right to treat me exactly as he wished. It felt hopeless and I gave up the fight to protect myself from him. He still didn’t trust me. He still controlled me. One day, I woke up and felt that a weight had been lifted. The realization that it wasn’t my problem, but his. As soon as he went to work, I collected anything that I couldn’t bear to leave behind and I got on a train. I’d left all my friends and family for him – I wasn’t allowed to see them. I thought that none of them would care. I was wrong. With nobody else to turn to, I called my friend who called my sister. Within hours, I was safe, hidden and loved. It took a long time for me to become strong enough to take control of my life properly, but I did.

    I am now loved and respected for who I am. I wouldn’t trade places with the old me – I had become a shadow of my former self. I wasn’t living, I was existing.

    I urge you to take stock and consider your options. I’m not going to pretend for a second that it’s easy but, by posting on here, you know on some level that you can’t go on like this. Be true to yourself and seek help. You deserve so much better … one day, you will find it. Best of luck x

  • My situation is similar, I am still in it but I have hope of eventually being strong enough to break away. In the meantime I live each day on it’s own, trying my best to value and percolate on the good things (usually without him) and dismiss the bad things.
    Hold on, find your balance until you find your solution.
    beth

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