A bully is a bully is a bully

You know what, it doesn’t matter what you think you are doing.  If I feel bullied and harassed by your actions then as far as I am concerned you are bullying me.  If I am brave enough to get in touch with you and explain to you how I feel and you say “No I’m not” and carry on then you have to accept some responsibility for what happens next.

I am suffering from severe depression, I’m a single mum with 4 children and a not regular job that barely pays me enough to cover the bills.  Some weeks I don’t eat anything apart from the leftovers from my kids plates because there just isn’t enough money to feed us all.

Yes, I made mistakes in the past.  Massive great big huge stonking mistakes that ruined my life and the lives of others. I am so sorry for these mistakes, if I could rewind I would do it all differently and none of us would be in this position.

But I can’t rewind history. I can’t change what I have done. I can’t change the way I reacted to events and I can’t change where any of us are now.

Please leave me alone. Please understand that I am vulnerable right now. I have problems in my life that are nothing to do with any of you. I am in a bad place. There are days when I truly believe that the world would be a better place without me. That my kids would be better off without their mum. This would solve all of my problems and stop me doing any more damage.

On these days you’re there. Emails, blog posts, tweets, phone calls, text messages, letters through my door. Please go away.  Do you want me to kill myself? Is that how this ends?

I try so hard to ignore you but you are everywhere. You are more than 1 person.  You impact every part of my life. I try to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to you but it gets harder each and every day.

You are bullying me. You are a bully.  And a coward. Your constant harassment of me is nothing short of childish and pathetic.  You are grown women. With children of your own. Would you want someone to treat your child this way? God forbid any one of your children ever makes a mistake, because if this is how you treat people then they will live to regret it for the rest of their life.

You don’t actually know me.  You’ve probably never even met me. You could walk past me in the street and not know me. Please stop judging me for mistakes in my past, everyone deserves the right to live their life without fear of harassment and bullying.

If you were saying to me “we want you to do this” then that would be different.  But there is nothing I can do to make you happy.  Nothing I can do to make you go away. I’ve tried fighting back. I’ve tried ignoring you. I’ve tried putting my side of the story forward but nothing works.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of hating myself and hating you for what you’re doing to me. I deserve the chance to live my life without fear of looking at my phone, computer, or opening my post. I have told you how I feel, I have told you that I am scared and vulnerable and feel bullied by you. Whether or not you think that what you are doing is correct or not please think about how I feel.  Please consider that you are pushing me dangerously close to somewhere that I am scared to be. I don’t want to feel like this but I want to have the power and control to make you stop. Sometimes it feels like there is only one way to do that.

I’m not there yet but I have days when I am close. I am sensible, I speak to my doctor regularly and I speak to friends and family every day about where I am and how you make me feel.

I hope I can survive this. I hope that eventually you realise that this is no way to live your life and go away. Take the energy you invest into hating me and turn it around, do something good with it.

I can’t change the past.  You are a bully. Please leave me alone. I am scared, and vulnerable and trying to hold my life together for the sake of my kids.

 

11 thoughts on “A bully is a bully is a bully

  • I have been in your position. Bullied until I struck back verbally, bullied by a singular person and her friends. At the lowest time in my life I was lied about, judged and the most personal of pain, ridiculed publicly.

    I understand struggle and strife, I understand wanting to run away and end it all, to stop the pain so badly, you shake with the need.

    But you have four children. Four babies that need you. They will not be better off without you, I promise it. I have thought and said the same thing. Yet I wake up every morning for my son.

    Nothing any asshole says or does is worth your life. Underneath your struggles, under your depression and hard times. There is a light, there is something that makes u special. The only way to survive hard times is to find one small thing that doesn’t hurt to focus on. Anything, and I mean anything, just a focal point to carry u through the misery.

    Forgive yourself, and don’t apologize again. They don’t care, they will not relent. I know I have been there. Forgive yourself and move on.

    This is a dark time, nobody ever sees them coming, they just do. I am learning its not only about surviving, but how to survive semi intact. I see shades of my own life in your truth. I feel for you so deeply.

    Last thing- You have legal options. Notes through the door is harassment. I hope you find the strength to get through, it feels near impossible, but it can be done.

    Massive hugs and strength sent from a stranger. The very best to you.

    ~Newt Kai

  • Massive hugs hunny. It has taken such strength to write this. You are stronger than you know. I’m guessing that having 4 children makes you a fighter! I only have one child and know how hard that is, having 4 must be really hard.

    I have been bullied, at school and remember how horrible it was. It took me fighting back and I mean really fighting hard. Eventually when they realised that I wasn’t going to take anymore of their crap, they stopped. I was in an abusive relationship, he was a major bully. I saw the only way out of it was to end my life. I took a massive overdose and very nearly ended my life. I now know that he didn’t deserve my life. I thought my son would be better off without me too but now I know different.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is I really understand how you feel. I didn’t think I was strong but almost my whole life I have been fighting. I am a survivor and if I can do it I know you can too. Tell this bully to f**k off! Stand up and reclaim back your life. This bully is scum, you are so much better.

    I’m glad to hear that you are in regular contact with your Doctor and speak to your friends and family, that is so important.

    Hugs and I hope you find the strength to fight this bully. xx

  • I feel like this could have been written by me. But I am not as brave as you. This bully will get theirs, karma has a way. I hope it stops. I might not know who you are but, you are a human, a mother, a worker, and honest. To me you are one hell of a person, a strong person. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope this horrible person backs off. But I bet you will find your voice and scare it away back under its rock. Good luck and big cyber hugs!

  • i work in the field of bullying awareness. Being bullied isn’t about a lack of strength. It is abuse. Please – if this continues – report whomever it is who is harassing you. If it is via online means, save the evidence and report it to your authorities. With everyone you have to deal with, this should NOT be one of the stresses. Please understand you – everyone – have a right to NOT BE BULLIED.

    Thank you for sharing – that is a huge step!

  • The internet has succeessfully empowered people to violate the boundaries of others by its false sense of community. Many people, particularly women, have been victims of cyber-cruelty perpetuated by small people who live small lives hiding behind their computer screens. They might never act in this way if a physical proximity made them vulnerable to being held accountable. We have lost the concept of boundaries, accountability, respect and decency, through our own love affair with the internet. It has now spread outside of the internet world and into our daily life. Respectfulness is a dying behavior. Compassion is a lost art. But look above and see there are those who still offer support. It’s really important that you stand firm, knowing you are doing the best you can in the the circumstance. Do not give up, do not give in to this. Mistakes only make use stronger, and hopefully wiser. And Depression can be conquered, though you cannot see it now. Trust and have hope. Turn your face away from those who wish to torment you, and give them no response. Both logic and emotion fan the flames of their addiction. Conflict is what they live for. Warm thoughts to you, and admiration for your self-sufficient love and care for your children.

  • Good luck to you and your family. I hope you realize that you are very brave to write this. I hope that it helps you let go and release this bully. Forget her and start living again. I wish you all the best. Be safe and stay strong.

  • OMG, I never expected a response to this – I really didnt think anyone would comment when I wrote this.
    Thank you all, so so much for taking the time to comment, your words made me cry this morning – but in a good way.
    I don’t think I’m brave, people in RL have said the same but to me I just feel broken and like I’m surviving every day. Maybe I should just believe that I am brave and see what difference that might make.
    Thank you.
    I wonder if I’m brave enough not to be anonymous and link to this, the only problem is if I do that the bullies will descend on this and I’m not sure I’m ready to read horrible comments about myself here.
    xx

  • Hunny, your reply, one sentence sticks out to me. ‘I’m surviving every day.’ Key word there, ‘surviving’ Yes, you are a survivor. To be a survivor you have to be strong. Bullies have a way of making us believe that we are nothing, the lowest of the low when in fact it really is them that is all those things. You will find the strength and you will get through this because you ARE a survivor. x

  • You’re smart to not link yourself to this post. No reason to ask for bullies to follow you. You’ve found friends, and support, and that’s all that matters. Not about being brave or not, it’s about being smart and strong, and you are both. 🙂

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