What the hell am I supposed to do?

I know this isn’t usually the kind of post we see here, but I’m desperate. I really need some input.

I am seriously considering leaving my husband.  We love each other, we have children together but I am not happy.  He is emotionally neglectful at times and can be very selfish, although he doesn’t seem to realise that he is.  He’s like a child.

We have little in common any more.   Our goals are different. I want to live a life full of possibility and adventure; he wants to stay in the same place doing the same thing forever.  He is fully monogamous, I am more poly but live monogamously for him (although I have strayed once or twice). I feel as though I am forever compromising to make him happy and get little in return.

I’ve pleaded, begged, cajoled, done all I can to try to help him get his fires burning but nothing ever changes. I’m bored, tired, frustrated and full of resentment.

Despite all of this, I love him and he is my friend. He loves me more than I love him, I think, at this stage. He is a wonderful father and genuinely cares about us.  We’ve been together since we were teenagers. We’ve been through so much together.

I just don’t know what to do.  I think I know what is coming but my heart is breaking.  Why did it come to this?

I crave connection. Intellectual stimulation. Am I being selfish?

11 thoughts on “What the hell am I supposed to do?

  • Been exactly where you are right now. Except that my husband is a bit more adventurous in terms of place, he’s been neglectful, and as you say, selfish.

    As women we spend a lot of our lives subjugating our needs to those of our children, husbands and families, and as they age, we start to realise that our own needs aren’t met.

    Your husband probably doesn’t even realise that there is a problem – and if he does, he’s at a loss to know how to fix it. You’re probably not even sure yourself how you could fix it, but if you do, and it involves him, tell him. Better still, email him, so that he can take it in, digest and either respond in kind, or talk to you.

    You have as much to lose as to gain, so whilst I would never advocate staying in an unhappy relationship, sometimes it’s just one thing that needs changing.

    • ‘As women we spend a lot of our lives subjugating our needs to those of our children, husbands and families, and as they age, we start to realise that our own needs aren’t met.’

      This line just hit me right between the eyes! It is exactly how I feel at the minute and I always find it amazing how much someone elses words can feel so personal.

  • I think the answer is very clear, is it not? Comes down to two things… continue living as you are and sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life or make the difficult life change and leave your husband and most likely live a happier life. Either decision is a difficult one. Seems to me the best answer is to follow your desire. You don’t do your husband or children any good by staying in an unhappy marriage.
    You’ve stated you’ve done all you can do. Have you tried couples therapy? It may very well not fix anything, but it could very much put things into perspective and clarify many things. If anything, it can help give you peace of mind that you are making the right decision.
    I have no doubt that the two of you love each other. Sometimes, love is not enough. How did things turn out this way? It’s life. As the years go by, life changes you. What we once desired one day, changes the next. We are not the same people we were just a few years ago. For many, this is a very good thing. Sometimes you can find ways to still be a solid couple even while life changes you, for others, the change is just too much.

    You don’t have an easy decision to make. I think what it comes down to is, how much of yourself and your happiness are you willing to sacrifice? You’ll find your answer there.

  • i adored my Ex he was my first true boyfriend.. the only thing that our relationship lacked was any emotion. I tried and tried to get him to get us together but he’d rather have gone running out with his mates – i’m in my early 20s so i’m still pretty young but i do understand completely on how you feel.

    i’m very ill to the point i can’t work my boyfriend was the one keeping me sane .. so i thought.. but he became a bully and i ended up having to move away.. and now i feel free! don’t sacrifice for anyone.. your children and husband will be feeling this sacrifice too.

    i hope my words help

  • I wish I had an answer or input that is likely to help.. This has been the biggest question in my life for quite a while. In fact, the thing I thought first while reading this was, ‘I wonder how many of the people reading this will think that I am Anonymous today.
    My input is… be very careful, understand what you stand to lose as well as what you stand to gain, while bearing in mind that what you have to lose is a known entity but what you stand to gain are possibilities which may or may not come to fruition.
    I wish you peace in your heart, and patience to weigh your options before deciding.

  • My advise is work it out u said he loves u and u love him. That’s a good foundation. Hes a good dad. Let me tell u that’s hard to find. Divorce is devistating. And going it on your own doesn’t make it easier. And its not a guarantee the pain and depression will go away. First step is to tell ur husband your feelings and work on the marriage together. A little thing like Thursday night date night. May help rekindle the flames. Do things together. And be loving. There is many opportunities through out the day to touch each other. Love him strong and be brave enough to tell him your needs. Good luck bless u and your family.

  • Sometimes, even when you’ve had the conversation people don’t actually hear what you are saying. I think the idea of couples therapy is a really good one, maybe he needs a push to understand that this is serious and rather than leave, you love him and you want to make it work.

    Good luck!!!

  • Apart from all the good advice already given, all I will add is,

    You know that change is needed, whether as a couple or alone; try to be in control of that change, and not let it get to breaking point, So much can be said and lost then that need not be. All you need do is decide what form that change takes.

    I wish you well in finding happiness

  • wow, i could be you today. i told my husband last week after 18 years that i want out! he will never be what i need, crave, and desire. he is cold and emotionally controlling, but not in the way i want. our child is 15 and i can’t do it any more. we both deserve to be happy, not miserable and so do you. it took me years to work up the courage to tell him because i am naturally submissive to men. since last week i realize there is hope in the world and i see light at the end of the tunnel! whatever you decide i wish you well and you may contact me if you wish. thinking of you today and hoping all is well with you…

  • Do you want to make it work? Do you think it is something worth fighting for? If yes then like the others said, try counciling. If not, if you are not happy and think it is unfixable, you might have to seperate. Sounds easy, ha! I can not offer any sage advice but I am sure whatever decision you make, will be the right one. I hope it goes smooth and you both are happy in the end. I feel for what you and your family might have to go through. Good luck!

  • It sounds like you have already made your mind up from what you have said. It’s a bold step to leave someone you’ve been with for a long time. I hope you find the answer inside yourself soon

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