The Other Woman

6th February 2012

He calls us fuck buddies, maybe that’s his way of rationalising this but we are a long way from that. Fuck buddies have no or very little emotional involvement with each other only calling to satisfy an urge. We, however, talk every day, many times a day, emails and the ever increasing 3-4x weekly lengthy unexpected phone calls. There is a massive emotional involvement on both sides. We talk about everything from sport to what we’ve had for dinner and recently a lot of talk about our children has crept in including names and pictures. That’s not fuck buddies is it? Friends with benefits then? What’s the difference between that and an affair, well I think friends implies just that, two single friends. That’s not us either. You see, therefore, that only leaves one other option.  I’m the other woman.  A relationship based on lies and deception.

So how did I come to fall into this? Clearly I did it with my eyes open, I know enough to be able to rationalise that, but actually it wasn’t a conscious decision to become this involved with him. I did that in my heart long before I found out he was married and therein lays the first lie he told me. Yes he’s lying to me too. He told me he was single or rather his online persona told me he was. I believed it. Silly me. Lesson number one, don’t believe everything you read. People so often hide behind a created fantasy persona on the Internet, it’s very easy. I’ve been approached by more married men this past year than I have single ones and I thought I’d got wise to spotting the obvious pointers. Only making contact in the daytime, never at weekends (family time) maybe only emailing not texting. Lots of little things that hint at their true status but occasionally one slipped through the net. A couple were all talk and definitely had no intention of meeting me but they enjoyed the feeling that they were clearly still fanciable. Ego’s stroked. Annoying, as a single woman though, and time wasted when you could be spending it looking for a nice single guy who’s just waiting for the opportunity to spoil you with their time and love.

Always when I spotted they were married I declined and told them that it could go no further, truthfully, because always I found myself feeling guilty about the wife at home who most likely had no idea her probably much loved husband  was cheating on her. I know how I would feel in her shoes and he’d get a swift kick out the door and no return. I would feel bitterly disappointed that he couldn’t talk to me to put right what had gone wrong and I would feel bitterly disappointed with myself that I’d let him and my marriage down. By coming to me and asking me to be their mistress these married men were seeking my approval, encouragement for their cheating behaviour and up to now I wanted no part of that. So why when I had the choice did I stay with him? He has deceived me as much as he is deluding himself truth be told. I would have every right to feel deceived, disrespected, used as well as disappointed and cheated out of something that could have been so much more had he not been married.  The problem was I had built him and our potential relationship up in my head before I found out he was married. My decision was based on his now false single profile. Before he told me he’d lied to me I had become emotionally involved. I don’t believe that was a deliberate act on his part to trap me, more likely he’s lonely. That much I do believe is true. Our friendship sprung up out of that loneliness and we do have a lot of shared interests. At the point he realised that this was heading for something more for both of us he felt he had to come clean. He gave me my get out clause should I want to take it. I couldn’t. I should have told him there and then what he should do, either man up and sort it out or leave. Don’t involve me. I didn’t though. For I had walked in his shoes. The things he talked about, the problems with his marriage all had a very familiar ring to them and I felt a huge amount of empathy with him over his situation, but I made the decision to respect myself and my former husband and I left. This man has not done that yet and I don’t know if he will but he gave me a chance to when he thought it was becoming more than just someone to talk to, when we had already planned out first meeting. I didn’t have to go through with it I could have walked away but I chose not to. There is an invisible bond that ties. A meeting of minds as well as bodies that’s too strong to ignore. My heart was involved.

So against that backdrop and completely aware of what I was getting myself further into, one afternoon, in an hotel, we met. We both knew what for and we had an amazingly intimate, tender afternoon, learning so much about each other. I knew we would get on before we met, and we have met many times since.

I have learnt that it is a double edged sword meeting a married man. You have the excitement and anticipation of the build-up to a meeting, planning what to wear, what you want to do with those selfish precious hours, and then all too soon it’s over and you’re back home, alone or back at the station with no one to kiss you goodbye. The things normal couples share you do alone when you’re the other woman. I once made a weekend out of a meet. I think it was probably the single most lonely weekend I can recall. I kept myself busy, planned lots of places to go, things to see but all the time I was aware that he was only a few miles away and yet I couldn’t see him or share these things with him. Waiting for him to call because he obviously knew where I was, but of course he couldn’t see me other than the time we’d planned. That’s when it hit me, exactly what I was doing.

The longer it’s gone on the more I think he needs me more than I do him but conversely the more I’ve been able to distance myself from him and come to realise just how lonely he is, trapped even but I don’t believe he will do anything to change his situation, either  to talk to his wife and attempt to resolve the crisis, or leave. I badly want him to, not for me, but to prove to me and to himself and his wife that he is being honest and doing something to sort himself out. That’s not for me to put the words in his mouth or push him into making a decision. Only he can do it. In the meantime we carry on. I shouldn’t encourage him should I? I feel meeting me and becoming involved with me has made him happier in an albeit complicated way and has fulfilled an emptiness in him. I however, am now more aware than ever that this will not help him long term. He is burying his head in the sand scared of what will happen if he does confront it. I’m not sure who’s coming off worse in all of this. The sacrifices I make to see him, which frankly I’m worth more than, or him and the continuing damage to his marriage. Part of me feels guilty for being a co-conspirator of that but another part of me remembers how I was in my own marriage and if she wasn’t pushing him away, not communicating, we none of us would be here.

I wish I could talk to him about it. We have had one very long and very frank discussion about it at the beginning, but now I can’t bring myself to mention it. I don’t want to spoil the time we have together, it’s too precious at the moment but that time will come I’ve no doubt. Something will happen to change it, either he will be discovered, and the deeper we get into this the more risks have been taken,(this makes me wonder if a tiny part of him wants it to be discovered)  or I will meet someone else who is capable of giving to me entirely, with no conditions. It’s just a matter of time.  The other option of us actually becoming a proper couple is not a realistic one.

Some statistics I read said that of all extra marital affairs only a tiny percentage of the other women/men ended up together in a committed relationship with the cheating spouse. Not exactly cheery news but no surprise either and I am know that the chance of us actually becoming a proper couple are remote, and frankly why would I trust him anyway? He’s a liar, how would I know he wouldn’t do it again.

So why am I unburdening myself of this cheery tale here to you dear reader? Well I know you will have your own opinion of what I’m doing and some will probably want to judge me for my actions, but the truth is I cannot tell a soul about him and I need a release valve. My friends would be mortified as would my family. They would no doubt tell me to stop, that I was on a hiding to nothing, going nowhere. Think about his wife and children they would say, I don’t need to be told this I know it already. I can’t even tell them I’m seeing someone because they’d naturally ask when they were going to meet him, want to know more about him and none of that I can tell. So you see it’s even lonelier for me than perhaps him, at least at the end of a visit he goes home to his warm house with his family there and a meal on the table. I go home to an empty cold one.

My choice, don’t feel sorry for me, but if the possibility of this kind of affair crosses your path I want to say don’t be tempted, it will only end in tears because nobody wins. I can’t though, instead I would probably say grab it with both hands, but be careful, know what you are doing and what you’re heading into. I make no excuses for my behaviour, ask for no forgiveness,  It’s just that sometimes another person comes along, whom you connect with on such a deep and intimate level that somehow the rest of the stuff around them doesn’t seem to matter, or you simply manage to filter it out. I don’t know where this is going, which way it will end and I hate not being in control while being able to rationally see what a car crash this is. What I do know though, is that I love to be with him as much as he needs me too and that for now is all.

17 thoughts on “The Other Woman

  • Writer, I know it must have taken a lot of courage to write this post. I can feel your pain and feelings of helplessness through your words. I think you know what to do, you just haven’t mustered up the strength to do it yet. And yet, maybe, by writing this post, you have gained some traction along that path. I wish you good luck, and a good future.

  • At this point, I am sure you don’t need or perhaps even want any advice. I don’t think I could offer you any advice even if you asked. I am going to say something that will probably get ‘boo’s’ from everyone else…..life is short and sometimes happiness even if we know it’s not a forever thing (what’s forever anyway?), should be valued. You have obviously given him some happiness as I am sure he has given to you. Cherish that happiness when you have it. On the flip side…..your Mr. Right may be walking pass you everyday but you don’t see him because your eyes only see this man you are with now. Keep your eyes open. I hope this turns out alright for you and thank you for sharing a very private situation.

  • I know how you feel, I have walked in your shoes. My man has left his wife and family for me and is with me.

    His family still complicate and cause difficulties in our relationship and sometimes I wonder if the pain is worth it, BUT, I know that he loves me and I love him so I bear with the hurt and pain.

    There is a very remote possibility that he will return to his family “for the children” there is no love for the wife that is certain. This is a constant and painful pressure to live with but, for me, the love is strong and I will bear this constant nagging doubt and deal with that bridge should it need to be crossed.

    You have to make your decisions based upon what you know of this man and on your love of this man. Whather you feel that you can trust him. Only you really know these answers and you must do what is right for you and your sanity.

    I wish you well and hope that whatever happens that it is the best decision for you and only you xx

    • Wow. You got him huh? Do you realize you helped to break a covenant that God made between this man and his wife. He is being deceived by satan and you are satan’s tool? Do youknow that God created a family and his children need him? Home? I am praying youknow God has somuch more in store for you, sister. God has so muchmore he wants for you. Send that man back to his wife and family and see what God will bri g you, when you see him.

      • God didn’t do anything… people are not vessels, they make active choices about who they want to be with. I am glad you came here to read but as a Christian I have to wonder what God would say about your lack of tolerance and understanding.

        Mollyxxx

  • I have a slightly different response than the others here (which isn’t to say I disagree with anything they’ve said). I just think you do yourself a disservice if you don’t honor that part of you that clearly has found this all functional for you. You built this relationship, you stuck around as it evolved, as your understanding of him evolved, became more complete. It’s a mistake to miss that this clearly has given you a lot of what you want/need.

    I’m not saying you want/need to feel bad – I’m saying something more supportive and empathetic. For whatever reason, consciously or unconsciously, you probably feel safer and more aroused in a situation such as this. That may not always have been true, and it may not always be true, but in this instance, you’re here not just because you’re here, but also because, presumably, being here works for you on some level(s).

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t (or should) end it – only that you shouldn’t imagine that you’re not getting a fair amount of what you want out of it. That seems pretty unlikely to me. (And I say that who’s spent a lot of time at war with himself over what he wants.)

    In any event, thanks for sharing this with us – I enjoyed reading it, and appreciate your honesty. I wish you the best of luck.

  • I’m married, I seeing woman who is not my wife. I’ve fallen in love with her. We met 2 months ago at a weekend retreat, there was an immediate connection and whereas in the past I would have been very clear with her and myself that I was not available, this time I said yes to a sexual and emotional adventure. Because my job takes me around the country and I’m often away from home for 2 or 3 nights a week, it’s been easy for me to deceive and lie to my wife. I’ve spent at least one or two nights every week with my lover since I met her, and as I said I have fallen in love with her. The enormity of what I am doing, the complexity of the situation I have created, the lies I’m telling, the resentment that had built up in my marriage of 5 years from poor communication and dissatisfaction around our sex and intimacy began dawning within just a few weeks. However the incredibly intimate and passionate time I’m sharing with this woman has blown me away. On paper it does not look good, none of it does.
    I don’t know how this will end, I’m looking at my life and my marriage…investing eight years with someone is a commitment I was never able to make before I met my wife and I’m pretty sure that if we didn’t have children we wouldn’t be together now, but we do, and they are young.
    I’ve fallen in love with someone else, someone with whom I feel deeply nurtured by both spiritually and emotionally, someone with whom I feel seen and heard by and with whom the sex is phenomenally passionate, adventurous and permissive. Someone with whom I don’t want to give up.

  • I want to thank everyone who has read and commented on my affair, I would like also like to respond to your comments.
    Shelby Cross, you are indeed right in that I do know what I will at some point have to do, I know that it will be me and not him that takes the step as I believe I am the stronger one of us both. I am prepared for that but right now is not that time because as Venus Luv’s says I do cherish what we bring to each other, how we make each other happy I am painfully aware also it’s not likely to be forever, but can any of us actually know that? He may in fact be my Mr Right, which is why I couldn’t let him pass by when I had the opportunity.
    Anon, thankyou for sharing your story too, I completely understand how that threat of him returning must feel and I feel it too might happen in this case, but time is a great healer and the longer he is with you the less likely that must be to happen, I wish you well too.
    N.Likes you too are right in what you say but although the situation does nothing for me, I hate it in fact, he does give me some of what I need and sometimes that feels better than the alternative of nothing at all.That’s not to say I only stay because I don’t want to be alone, but if it’s all I can have of him that’s how it shall be, because I do love him I just daren’t let myself fall in love with him. Right now that would be foolish because he’s not mine to love. I want that day to come, but I am realistic about it. So I stay for him and for now.
    JB you sound a lot like the man for whom I am the other woman. Although you can’t see it right now only you know what will happen in the future because it’s your choice, your life. It is without doubt one of the hardest decisions to make, whether to cut someone or yourself free and it requires an awful lot of courage and inner strength to do it. Only you will know if or when that time comes. I wish you lots of luck for the future wherever you decide your future lays.
    Thank you all for taking the time to comment on my writing, it means a great deal to me.

  • I can’t thank you enough for writing this. I fell in love with a friend – we fell in love with each other, and I was in a similar situation. I was married, and deeply unhappy but didn’t realise it – I wasn’t looking for a mistress. What started as playful flirting became more serious, and I suddenly realised just how much I came alive when I was with her, regardless of what we were doing. Something as simple as meeting for coffee after work became a delightful high point of my week, and as much as she tried to push me away, to try and stop things from getting complicated, I could feel myself falling ever deeper in love with her.

    She left her husband – not for me (I stayed clear of giving advice on that point) but for herself and the sake of her own health and sanity – but long before then I knew I had to tell her about my wife. I put it off and off, terrified of losing her as a consequence, cut I’ll never get over how understanding she was, and has been since. The way she held me and cried will also never be forgotten – she wasn’t crying out of anger or hurt, she was crying because of the thought of how desperately lonely and sad I must’ve been. I guess she could see it in my eyes.

    I already knew before then that I had to leave my wife, and that I had to be with her. She completes me, makes me whole in ways I’ve never known. She makes me feel like a king, and a superhero all at once. When she holds my hand I feel as if I can fly, or stop the world spinning with a click of my fingers. I’m leaving my wife – it’s not an easy process – you can’t spend that long with someone and just stop caring about them – but it is at least a process, and it has at least started.

    I’m certain that we’ll be in that tiny percentage, one of the examples that people point out to prove that sometimes, just sometimes, good things do work out. And hopefully when people see us holding hands, and see how happy we are, it’ll give them the hope, And the strength, and the courage to follow their hearts too.

    I love her. And she knows that. And if she reads there words, she’ll know that they’re true, because she’s looked into my eyes, and reached into my heart. She has touchdown my soul.

  • JB :
    I’m married, I seeing woman who is not my wife. I’ve fallen in love with her. We met 2 months ago at a weekend retreat, there was an immediate connection and whereas in the past I would have been very clear with her and myself that I was not available, this time I said yes to a sexual and emotional adventure. Because my job takes me around the country and I’m often away from home for 2 or 3 nights a week, it’s been easy for me to deceive and lie to my wife. I’ve spent at least one or two nights every week with my lover since I met her, and as I said I have fallen in love with her. The enormity of what I am doing, the complexity of the situation I have created, the lies I’m telling, the resentment that had built up in my marriage of 5 years from poor communication and dissatisfaction around our sex and intimacy began dawning within just a few weeks. However the incredibly intimate and passionate time I’m sharing with this woman has blown me away. On paper it does not look good, none of it does.
    I don’t know how this will end, I’m looking at my life and my marriage…investing eight years with someone is a commitment I was never able to make before I met my wife and I’m pretty sure that if we didn’t have children we wouldn’t be together now, but we do, and they are young.
    I’ve fallen in love with someone else, someone with whom I feel deeply nurtured by both spiritually and emotionally, someone with whom I feel seen and heard by and with whom the sex is phenomenally passionate, adventurous and permissive. Someone with whom I don’t want to give up.

    I wanted to update the comment I wrote above 2 months ago as my life has changed completely. I am separating from my wife. Thank god. It was the most difficult conversation to begin but it has also been incredibly truthful. For both of us. It was heart & gut wrenching and breaking up my family was almost too much to take on, but I was driven by a desire to manifest my truth and by choosing a need for life and aliveness over fear of being alone. It is frightening and there are still many unknowns, we are ending our marriage and working through the practicalities of sharing the parenting of 2 beautiful young children as well as all of the other issues that need working through and agreeing so we can get divorced and live different lives. I can hardly believe I can have written that as when I wrote the first post I was utterly swamped with feeling and overwhelmed by something beyond my control that was unfolding within me. My marriage is over and yet I feel blessed that I am still with the woman who is referenced in the quote above from my earlier post. 4 months is very very early in a relationship to know anything really, certainly there are still many more things to unfold and be worked through and discussed and seen. But, I am more deeply in love with her than I have ever been with anyone and we seem to be doing really really well. We ‘get’ each other, there’s fun and laughter and permission for tears and intimacy and an incredible level of communication, honesty and truth . It feels too good to be true sometimes and whether it is remains to be seem, but I feel optimistic and certain that whatever the future holds for me and my beloved that I made an incredibly hard but ultimately correct choice and I’m proud of myself that I found the courage for that.

  • I’d really like to know how you’re doing, if you’re still out there. I tried very hard to comment on this post when it first came up but I never found the right words – all my “comments” ran to thousands of words!

    It’s been over a year since I started this thing I have with Cefyn – I wouldn’t call it a relationship then but I do now. I’d known him for years and we got closer and I was unhappily married and things kind of developed. I found out 7 months into our fling that he was married. I’d known him as a single guy for 5 years – so had all our mutual friends and most of his workmates. He’d kept it a secret for years. I’d left my husband and finally accepted I was in love with him just a week or so before he told me – like you, I was emotionally committed before I was in possession of the facts. I handled it quite well initially but now I’m at the point where most days I want to tell him to fuck off and never talk to me again. I can’t do it though.

    The last five months have been hell. Pure hell. From a bubbly person and eternal optimist I have become an irritable grumpy cow that breaks down at the drop of a hat. My journal is full of a vile viciousness that I cannot bear to believe is me. I occasionally see glimpses of the brilliant thing me and Cefyn had before I knew and I sometimes think that’s the only thing that keeps me going. He says he’s leaving his wife but it’s often damn difficult to believe. It will be a long time before I trust him again. I want what we had before but I don’t know if that’s a thing I can have. I worry our future will always be marred by what we’re going through.

    I, like so many others here, don’t know if this will be worth it yet. If you asked me today I would say it can’t possibly be worth this. But the fact is I’m still here, trying to wait it out to find out. And if your man does decide to leave his wife and you have to endure watching it in agonising slow motion, all the time wondering when (because even if becomes too much to believe eventually) he’ll decide it’s too difficult and give up, I want to be here for you. Because it’s often a very lonely road, and nobody should have to feel like this.

    Elenya
    x

  • I have been wanting to reply for days to your post JB but the words wouldn’t come. I was blown away to read your updated reply and I really hope everything works out for you and your new partner, it takes a huge amount of courage and inner strength to confront something so major as a failing marriage but now you have and are slowly moving on. It’s a long and at times dark bitter and acrimonious road but time is a huge healer and if you take it a step at a time and don’t rush it you will come through it. I am 18months down the line from when I made the decision to leave my husband and at the time he was naturally devastatd. However now, he is ironically in a better place than me in that he now has a loving and supportive new partner and in another twist she is/was one of my closest friends.
    So what of me and my married man. Well, we are still seeing each other, we speak daily and we have started to do more things as a couple when we do see each other. The things normal couples take for granted like having lunch out, holding hands, shopping together, it has moved on from just sex and there is now much more of an intimacy between us. I recently tested him and asked him to step out of his comfort zone, nothing major just to come to me for a change (I live 100miles away) I already knew the answer and sadly I was right. He won’t come, I know why, and its nothing to do with the distance, but he’ll happily take far greater risks with me in his home town which I struggle to understand at times.
    It won’t be long now before things come to a head. I can’t and don’t want to go on like this for much longer. I am lonely on my own. I have been on a few dates and indeed slept with other guys but its always left me feeling guilty or they simply don’t compare to him. I realise I need to move on, with or without him. There’s only so long you can hide your feelings for someone. I love him already and I know he must love me to want to contact me so much but I want to fall in love with him and I can’t. So yet again I will have to do the confronting. He must know in his heart we can’t carry on forever like this. He tells me I make his day that bit brighter, I make him smile and give him a spring in his step but its papering over the cracks. I hope I can give him the strength to do something to change his situation with or without me. Watch this space.
    Elenya, thankyou for sharing your story. I will be in touch x

  • I am the other woman… The wife. Wake up and smell the coffee . Your so called man of your dreams was also the same thing to me once. He is lying to me , to you to everyone . He is a born liar and always will be no matter what you believe. He will not change. You can not change him . If he couldn’t say no to you then what makes you think it will not happen again. It will it always will. He is having passionate sex with me while you sit there lonely waiting desperately for that communication that seems to disappear every weekend. He might leave me but not without a long tiring fight . We the other woman know more than you think…we know who you are what your about and we have pity on you because of your ignorance to see the situation as it is. We are not gonna give up because we have history something you know very little about. Be smart and get out while you can before you end up as the other woman one day. It’s all a game to them and once they win….time to move on to the next unsuspecting woman. Don’t for a minute believe he loves you…. He never felt this way before garbage because believe it or not he is saying the same thing to us under the covers after your little meeting. Don’t for 1 minute believe he is sleeping on the couch. No he is loving us like notjhing is going on.

  • I can relate to so much here. Especially the stuff about the meets. The high of the anticipation, of the meet itself, and then the crashing low when they leave you alone to go back home to the wife and you try not to cry.

    The difference with my situation is that my married man has never professed to be in love with me, and he has always been very clear about the fact that he loves his wife and has no intention of leaving her. He keeps me in my box, I keep him in his. Our relationship works because of that. Except that it doesn’t work because people are people-shaped, not box-shaped.

    Why do we put ourselves through it? I will never understand.

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