The Bloke Diaries

28th January 2012

How do you break off from something that can, at the same time, destroy you and build you up? I still don’t know what to do with the Bloke. He’s in and out and in again, and I can’t really face up to him anymore.

Perhaps I’m making more of this than I should. Perhaps I’m unconsciously in love with him and can’t recognize the signs. It kills me that I can’t write about this on the blog, because although I just can’t deal with it anymore, I’m afraid to cut him out of my life.

Because I’ve never been more excited and terrified at the same time. I could fall in love with him, and I know I can’t because he told me it could never be more than just friends.

I don’t know what I’m feeling.

But at this point, I’m feeling rubbish and I want to go to bed. But I can’t. I sit in front of my computer, refreshing my inbox until that one message comes. The one I’ve been waiting for.

He’s always unexpected. I was doing quite fine tonight until I saw a tweet of his. I knew that a mail was imminent. It’s always unexpected, catches me completely off-guard.

When we’re back-and-forwarding , it’s actually quite fun. He could be such a good mate, if it weren’t for the enormous sexual tension. Or at least, that’s what I feel. I don’t know about him.

Am I just really selfish? Am I really just keeping in touch because I’m slightly addicted to watching him masturbate over the webcam?

Or am I developing actual feelings for him?

If that’s what it is, love can go fuck itself with a giant, spiky dildo. I’m done with it.

In trying to make sense of the relationship I have with him, I come out feeling even more confused than going in. It was so much fun when it first started.

I remember seeing his message, smiling.

Seeing the pics on his website, being mildly amused by them being of his dick.

And then e-mailing him.

Somewhere along the line, I got obsessive. When we made the date for our first meeting, I was scared and excited and incredibly aroused at the prospect of having him near me.

When I saw him on cam that first time, I couldn’t believe he was real. He was there, naked and hot and breathing.

And I wanted that. I wanted it to happen.

As the minutes ticked past on the night we were supposed to meet, I felt so many things at the same time. Mostly terrified. And then peeved. And then angry.

And then I cried.

I still remember the bloke who came to check up on me where I was sitting. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

But I cried.

And I shook it off.

When I came home and finally had access to my inbox, he had left a message. Said he had an emergency, if he could come Saturday morning. And I missed it. I still think I’m the biggest twit for not acting on my instinct and asking access to a computer.

I told him what I felt. He took a month to reply, and I thought he had forgotten me. Maybe it would have been better.

But he came back. And we’ve been making up ever since. I suggested we’d be friends with benefits. Which is logistically impossible for me, but I really didn’t want him out of my life.

Again, it pains me that I can’t be open about this. I just want it to be gone and done with (what I’m feeling) , so I can get on with my life and we can be friends.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Closing all e-mail accounts and Twitter and the blog and just disappear. But that would be not dealing with this.

I’ve got courage in bundles. I can probably talk you under a table and then go home and write a story about it.

But somehow, I’ve got neither the courage nor the words.

I don’t want him out of my life. Or at least, I think that’s it. Maybe I really am just addicted to the movements his hand make when he’s jerking his cock. Or his voice when he tells me to show him my pussy.

I can’t explain it in any other way. He’s like an addiction. I crave the hit and I crave the high I get from him. I’ve never felt so wanted in my entire life. I’ve never shown another man my naked body without having an ounce of shame.

I don’t know whether we’ll ever meet and make due on what we’ve been saying to each other. I don’t know if I want it to happen. Stupidly enough, I’ve made myself scared of sex. And it’s a pain to be scared about the one thing you love talking about the most.

Living with the constant anxiety that he’ll forget me, or reject me is nothing short of horrid. I know I should man up. I know I’m stronger than this. But I can’t help being weak for him.

Even as I sit here, writing this epistle of a confession, I don’t know whether I have the balls to own up to it, tell him about it and post it on the blog. I’m scared of the reactions.

I don’t want pity. I just want this to be out of my system, because I’ve been bottling this up for far too long and it aches.

It’s funny how even the strongest woman can be reduced to a weeping heap of utter shit by the first man that looks her way. I don’t want to be that weeping heap.

But I don’t understand how I can’t cope with this. It’s true. The simple way out doesn’t exist. There is only hard, harder and impossible. But nothing really is impossible.

You can only keep trying harder.

***

So there you have it dear reader, the first ever piece published on Anonymous @ Molly’s Daily Kiss and now it is you turn. Do you have some words of wisdom for the writer, what do you think they should do? Tell the person how they feel? Break it off and be done with it? Or maybe you have another suggestion? Which ever it is leave a comment in the box below, Anonymous is waiting to hear from you…

Mollyxxx

Ps… If you want to find out more about how Anonymous works then go to the ‘About Anonymous‘ Page.

 

4 thoughts on “The Bloke Diaries

  • Dear Molly

    I’m a male and reading ypur most articulate description makes it all too clear what’s happening to you. Your confusion and pain is palpable but the bottom line is that this man either belongs to someone else or he simply doesn’t find a physical or mental attraction strong enough to apease you in any tangible way. I’d suggest that his contact with you is only to feed his very insecure personality. He derives strength from manipulating you, keeping you on a string without any need to back it up with reality. His “emergency” absence is a sure fire indicator of his wedded status and/or his spineless nature.
    Turn him off, delete his pictures and contact information, get on with your life and be all the better for it.
    If I’ve been unfairly brutal, I’m sorry but if it’s making you unhappy – put a stop to it.
    Good luck and best wishes
    Detlef

    • Hi Detlef…

      Thank you for taking the time to comment on Anonymous. I just want to make it clear that posts here are NOT written by me or about me. They are sent in by anonymous writers who want a place to share their thoughts without anyone knowing who they are. I am sure the writer of this piece will check by and read your comments with interest.

      Mollyxxx

  • My advise? Plain and simple? Delete! BIG DELETE! And it’s not being suggested in order to punish him. It is what it is. You have become become victim of the Internet/fantasy addiction. I want to remind you of what you wrote, “It was so much fun when it all started…” That’s how it happens. We think that this is just fun and that nothing can overcome our emotions. Unfortunately when there is this fantasy/sexual events involved, your emotions do get overtaken. We may not realize it at the time, but it does happen. Quite often, even more intensely than in real life, because at the moment, when we are doing it over the webcam, our caution is thrown to the wind. We are not afraid to let out our inner deep rooted lust-filled emotions come out. And in this intensity we begin to fall for the other person. We think that it is this person who has helped us come out of our shell…to allow us this extra special release…And that NO one else can. Hence he/she must be the ONE! And then, we chase..and wait..and hope that he/she is feeling the same connection as we are. For a while it may actually be that they do feel the same thing. And then the disappointments come..or we disappoint them via our boredom too..It can happen both ways. The idea is, we allowed our sense to get in the way. Period. Nothing else has happened here. We feel good about a special sexual release, and we tend to confuse our other deep rooted desire, which is to be in love with someone special, with expectation. The simple fact is, the two can never be the same. Not saying that, such relationships can not go on to become real life relationships. Not saying that all internet sex is bad. Just saying, the proof is in the pudding. If it was gonna happen, it would have already!

    Right now, all that has happened, you two made a sexual connection…it got a bit intense..one of you got bored and moved away..or decided to play it with a different set of rules…the other didn’t! You need to take a hold of your own sanity…DELETE…and accept this experience for what it was..simply sex. Either don’t get involved with anyone else…again..Or go ahead and do it…do it more aggressively …to take you mind of off this fella….Only this time, you will know what to expect! And you will be prepared to break other people’s heart gently…instead of having your own broken.

    Does it help? Not sure…but there it is!
    🙁

  • This could have been written by me 12 month’s ago, I was so caught up with the man who taught me so much, I carried on having an affair with him behind the woman he left me fors back. Then I turned on him after a break of 6 months, I became very dominant, determined that he would never screw me up again.

    And he hasnt, he wouldnt dare, he’s a public figure and wouldn’t want to put his business and lifelong career in jeopardy.

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