- October 13th, 2014
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I’ve had enough
Before I go ahead with this post I would like to emphatically state that I am *not* suicidal and that I have absolutely no plans or intention to commit suicide.
I just. I’m tired of living. I feel hopeless. Most days are okay but it only takes a small thing to send me spiraling down into an awful black hole where I want to hide and rot away where nobody can see me.
I hate my life and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’ve changed all the things I can change. I left the husband who made me miserable. I’ve taken steps to deal with my debt and that’s moving in the right direction. I’ve become a student again after over 10 years out of school, doing the degree I should have done years ago. I have some wonderful friends both here in my everyday life, and the ones I’ve never met in person (though who have been utter rocks to me). I have all of this good stuff happening and yet I feel so completely hopeless and pointless.
I’m a single mum with no money and I feel like I’m going to be on my own for the rest of my life. Stuck in my small town with no hope of escape for however long it takes for my kids to grow up and not need me to stay here any more. The person I love doesn’t want me. I can’t talk to anybody about any of it because they’re all sick of hearing it – I’m sick of hearing it come out of my mouth. I need to get away. I need to run away as fast as I can but I cant.
As I say I would never take my own life. I’m not at a place where I can’t see any other option. But right now, today, at this moment, I have never wanted to cease to exist more in my entire life.
I want to jump on a train, away from this mess and from everything and just start again. I don’t want a family, I don’t want the responsibility. I love my children dearly but that absolutely unconditional and powerful love for them is my burden. They will always come first and I will love them forever but they deserved better. They deserved to be born to a family who really really wants that life. I look at their sweet, beautiful faces and I want to tell them how sorry I am that I’m not the parent they deserved.
I hate my life. I hate it. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing. The doctor gave me antidepressants which I haven’t yet started to take – the good days are sometimes frequent but it only takes one little thing to set me back. I’ve taken them before. I don’t know why I’m so reluctant this time.
I generally can’t abide these kind of posts. But I understand so much more now why they are necessary. I feel so alone and there is nobody I can talk to. I’m sorry. I just had to put this somewhere where I could be heard without burdening anybody.