- August 21st, 2014
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Hi molly. I’m one of those lurkers, have been following for a while now.
Some background: I’m 21, my partner/boyfriend/master/?? is twice that. We only see each other every… two months, or so.
Before I met him I had very little experience with sex at all, and there was an in-between period where I was seeing other people and got a bit more experience. I was always ashamed of this lack of experience, and only recently was able to admit that to him, which he was great about. Now something else has come up.
Um… to get to the point…
I can’t fucking ride cock! I just don’t have the experience, or the strength, and I’m not exactly small to start with, and he’s not exactly large to start with, and it’s just a big mess. I haven’t tried with him yet. but looking back on some really horribly awkward and disappointing experiences with others, I don’t even want to try.
This can all be changed, though : practice makes perfect, squats will too. The bigger, underlying problem is:
I’m scared of having any kind of control over the sex, over his pleasure, over being seen like that, scared of having to be the active component and the responsibility that comes with that, scared of looking stupid and disappointing him until I finally get it right, scared of my fat moving in ways I don’t want it to, scared of looking down at him, scared of fucking moving. I feel like the only way I’m comfortable with sex with him is when I’m completely helpless. I try to watch porn with the girl on top, for pointers, and having to imagine myself in that position gives me this sick feeling in my stomach, as if it’s just somehow not right. (not to mention body image issues comparing myself to porn actresses)
I voiced these concerns to him, though he’s sleeping now , I know we’ll talk through it eventually but he doesn’t know what it’s like from my POV no matter how understanding and wonderful he is.
I don’t even know if there is concrete advice here. I’m sure I won’t feel like this in a few years, and it’s probably a lot to do with the lack of confidence that comes with my inexperience. I just need to say this in a place detached from my partner, where I know people will understand.
Don’t know how to not be used